Walking in the Light A Remembrance Of Nolan Michael

2010-02-15T22:07:00.003-06:00

So I thought it was difficult to find time to blog before, but now that we have two little ones, it's even harder! But trust me, I'm not complaining. These to precious children are just so much fun. It's hard to believe they're really with us sometimes. They both bring us so much joy. They are not officially ours yet, and the social worker has reminded me to keep my emotions in check and to guard my heart, but we've decided to completely and totally love these children regardless of what the outcome may be. They are so loving themselves, it would be impossible not to give them everything we have. Thank you so much for all of your prayers! Please continue to pray that whatever is best for these children is what happens. Michael and I really really want to adopt them-which they were put in our home since we are licensed as foster to adopt, but most importantly we want God's will to be done.

2010-02-01T18:51:00.002-06:00

The phone calls and emails and officially started! So far we've gotten requests for 4 placements that we have to now wait and find out if we are picked. On one of them we should find out tomorrow! So please just pray for us to completely and totally put our trust in God right now and have peace about whatever happens.

2010-01-21T18:18:00.004-06:00

Michael and I are officially licensed to be foster parents! This means that whenever the right child comes along, we can take them! The whole process has been crazy and fast, but I'm so glad to be at this point. ( I know I forgot to update on the fire inspection, but obviously we've now passed! Thank you for all your prayers!) Now it's time to wait. We we're licensed on January 13th, so it's been just over a week.

I asked our guy how long we should expect to wait for our first phone call and he said 3-5 days. Needless to say we are now on day 8 with out a phone. On Tuesday I was starting to get anxious, very anxious, and was in desperate need of peace. All day I asked God for peace, but continued not to feel the great peace I was hoping for. After school I had a long wait until Michael would come pick me up, so I decided to check email and do other various busying activities. I had my bible study with me that I needed to work on for the bible study that evening, but I kept finding other things to do, while still asking God for peace. Finally I decided it was time to finish my study. The title of the study for that day "To Experience God's Peace". I kid you not. Scripture after scripture revealing the peace that only God can bring. God is good.

As we continue to wait, please pray that we would have peace and that God would give us wisdom when it comes time to say yes or no to a placement. And thank you for all the time you've already spent in prayer for us!

2009-12-10T18:43:00.002-06:00

Can't believe I let another month slip by! So much to update...

To start, Michael and I have decided that we are done with fertility treatment. Several things led to this decision, but one major decision that we have made that really helped us decide to quit...We're becoming licensed foster parents! This is something that we have been thinking about/praying about for a long time. Our ultimate desire is to adopt a child (or two!) out of the foster care system. I have been hesitant to tell everyone simply due to the fact that I know this is a topic EVERYONE has an opinion on. But, to my surprise, almost everyone has been encouraging and excited for us! I've only had a couple of people ask me to rethink and wait for me to have my own baby b/c they did not want me to miss out on that experience (yes, I'm being serious...someone really said this to me).

Michael and I started training class the first week of November. We have now completed all but one session (we did about 30 hours of training in 2 1/2 weeks...so glad that's done!). We've turned in our application and are officially on our way! We still have paper work to finish, and I'm so glad I can see the end in sight! On Monday we are having our fire inspection, which I'm super nervous about. I talked to the guy today and he said almost everyone fails the first time, so just expect it. I don't want to fail! But I have a feeling we will since our smoke alarms are not interconnecting (the requirements are crazy!) and I'm not sure that's something you can fix in a weekend. But we are definitely going to try! Once that's complete we get to do our home study!!! I'm hoping we'll be able to do the home study sometime at the beginning of January. Then I believe it's about a month's wait to be "processed". After that we should be licensed and ready to go!

One, very logical, question I have been asked is "Why not go with an adoption agency where you can know the mother before the birth and be their for the birth?" There probably is a lot less heartache and risk going this route, but neither Michael nor I feel this is where God is leading us. While yes, we do desperately want a child, that is not our only motivation for going through the foster care system. God calls us to take care of those that are widowed and orphaned. This is something Michael and I really feel God has placed on our hearts. Here is our chance to love a child that needs it and may not get it from anyone else.

We know that there may be some difficult times that come along with this, but God has already shown Himself faithful to us through the hard times. We know His love, grace, and mercy will be enough to see us through anything.

So, please pray for us to have patience through this process while we wait to be licensed. Also that our home inspection goes well!

In other exciting news, Michael and I are an uncle and aunt! Our first nephew is here- Jonah Matthew Sitton! He is super cute!

2009-11-12T15:41:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day. Michael and I went to Nolan's grave and delivered the gifts to Texas Children's. We spent the entire day together. Just the two of us. I think that's exactly what we needed. It was nice to be able to remember Nolan and talk about him as much as we wanted/needed to. I want to thank everyone that prayed for us this year, listened to us cry, wrote comforting notes or letters, or called just to see how we were doing. God used you in our lives in a mighty way. I want to keep today's blog short and close with my 3 favorite memories of Nolan.
-when Michael laid his hand on Nolan's belly in the NICU and prayed over him
-when Nolan was crying and I sang to him and he was comforted by it. I just remember that he stopped crying and just seemed to look up at me
-when the nurses put him on his belly because he slept better that way, so his bottom was wiggling in the air. Still the cutest thing I've ever seen

Thank you!

2009-11-08T18:44:00.003-06:00

I just want to thank everyone that came to Nolan's birthday/memorial party! It went better than I could have imagined!!! I also wanted to thank everyone that sent something if they couldn't make it. It still means so much that you're remembering Nolan with us. Michael and I are looking foward to taking all the gifts to Texas Children's on Wednesday. We literally have a car load! So thank you again!

2009-10-15T11:50:00.002-05:00

This will be a quick one because I'm on my lunch break at work, but I just wanted to say that God has really been gracious and has renewed my peace, strength, and hope. Yesterday morning I woke up mad and angry at the world (I had also gone to bed that way). I really thought that there was nothing that would be able to snap me out of it. At lunch time I finally decided to open my bible and do my "homework" for my bible study. I felt God just soften my heart and I was able to let most of the anger go. I'm still working on some of it, but I feel like I can breath again, make it to the end of the day without having a meltdown.

Before I head off to eat, please pray that everything comes together with Nolan's party. It's getting close and I feel like I still have a lot to do.

2009-10-13T21:49:00.002-05:00

Michael and I are going to do our first month of IUI. I'm completely confused by my doctor and what's supposed to happen and when, but we're going to continue with this month anyway. Can't say I'm terribly excited. Not to be a drama queen or anything, but I'm beginning to think it just may not happen. I hate the emotional roller coaster every month. I've decided I'm just going to start making plans without considering whether or not I'll be pregnant. It gets old after awhile...o we can't do this because we might be pregnant...and then find out a few days later we weren't even pregnant (this is a re-occurring thing almost every month). Then I just feel plain stupid for even thinking that I could be pregnant. So, that's where we're at. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to handle if Michael and I were the ones deciding we didn't want another child at this time. I've tried to convince myself of that many times. Hasn't worked yet.

So many more things to say, but it's late and I have work tomorrow. Please pray that God gives me peace and strength-I seem to be low on both right now.

2009-09-30T17:27:00.002-05:00

I've got a praise! Before I get started, let me say I am not pregnant...that I know of! With that said, here's my praise- I ovulated!!! I bet you're wondering why this is such a big deal. Well, if you remember back to a few posts ago, I mentioned that my doctor did not prescribe me chlomid this month because we were waiting on the CF results. That means that I ovulated without any medication!!! So now I'm finding myself in a position I wasn't sure I would get to be in this month...waiting to find out if I'm pregnant or not!!! I can't help but think back to what God was teaching me these past few weeks, He is POWERFUL !

On another note, Nolan's B-day/memorial/playground dedication party is officially scheduled for November 7th from 4:30-5:30 at the church. There will be food, cake (or possibly cupcakes), Michael and I speaking for just a little bit, a moonwalk, and hopefully the playground! I'm hoping to get invitations out soon, so get ready!

Yea!

2009-09-22T08:18:00.001-05:00

Another quick update...Michael is not a carrier!!! Thanks for all of your prayers!

Children's Church

2009-09-20T21:08:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update tonight. We haven't heard back about Michael's results yet. I've been strangely peaceful and calm while waiting. So thank you for all your prayers. Hopefully I'll be able to update about that this coming week.

I can already tell that my cycle is very off this month, which means it doesn't look good for ovulating. I was starting to feel a little upset and worried by this over the past few days. This morning we woke up late and had to prepare for teaching children's church on top of that. Needless to say, I didn't think I was going to learn much today at church, considering we got to Sunday school halfway through the lesson, and we wouldn't be in the service. But wow, who knew a lesson meant for children would teach me so much. Today's whole lesson was centered around how powerful God is. Simple, yet so easily forgotten. It talked about how we have nothing to fear because God is bigger than everything on heaven and earth. I think God's timing is amazing, that Michael and I would be teaching children's church this weekend and have this lesson.

Today

2009-09-09T19:07:00.007-05:00

Today seemed to be the day of bad news. An hour into school I realized that my cycle had started. I was surprised at how much peace I felt and was able to go on with the rest of my day with out too much distraction. I made an appointment for Friday with my doctor and was ready to move on to the next stage of "treatment", feeling very hopeful for next month. I started to feel a little exhausted right before Michael picked me, and when I get tired, I tend to be more emotional. So I reminded myself that I was not going to cry this month and started to look at the calendar and counted out how many days until the end of the next cycle (I know this sounds crazy, but I'd imagine it's fairly common among those going through infertility). As I was doing this, I received a phone call from our fertility specialist. I was pretty sure he was just calling to talk about the appointment on Friday, I completely forgot about the genetic blood testing I had done last week. Not sure why we decided to do the testing. I was against it when I was pregnant with Nolan. Our new doctor made it sound like everyone does it (since that's a good reason to do something) and that there was really not a good reason not to. So we agreed for me to get blood work done for cystic fibrosis. I can honestly say that I was 100% expecting to hear that neither of us carried the cf gene. Well, I it turns out that I am a carrier for the most common mutation of the cf gene. As long as Michael is not a carrier, this poses no problem. Both parents have to be a carrier for it to show up in a child. Now Michael has to go have blood work done tomorrow and we'll find out in a week or two if he is also a carrier. The chance of both of us carrying the gene is 1 in 800. So it's pretty slim, however, if we do both carry the gene, it's a 1 out of 4 chance that our child would be born with cystic fibrosis. But again, the possibility of Michael having the gene as well is pretty small. Unfortunately, my doctor has decided to wait until we have the results of Michael's test to continue with our fertility treatment. So he cancelled my appointment on Friday and told me that we should be using "precautions" to not get pregnant until we have the results-He won't prescribe me chlomid until we have the results. He then continued to say that if we we're both carries that he would recommend IVF so he could test each embryo and not use any that are carrying the gene. Well, that's not an option for us. We've already decided that we will not be "throwing out" any embryos. So we would start looking more seriously into other options .

Hopefully this long rambling mess can help you know how to pray for us. Right now the biggest thing is that Michael is not a carrier for the cf gene. Also that God will give us peace while we wait. For right now we have decided to go against the doctor's orders and we are not using any precautions or doing anything to prevent getting pregnant. If Michael is not a carrier, we will be resuming fertility treatment like normal since the possibility of our child having cf is pretty much 0.

I know I may be jumping the gun by thinking about what our future looks like if we are both carries since that possibility is really low, but I can't help but let my mind wander there. Every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I'm reminded of one very important thing- I'm forgetting to live with an eternal perspective. It's very easy to begin to feel like the world is beginning to crash in on me. For the past year things have not been going how I have hoped or planned- all starting with loosing Nolan. It's the first time my life had ever really deviated from MY plan. But God is giving me an opportunity to grow closer to Him through perseverance through this trial. I'm learning to trust in Him regardless of the circumstances. I'll admit, I've asked Him many, many questions recently. Some have been answered, and some have not been and may never be here on earth. Like Job, I have even asked why it seems like everyone around us seems to be being blessed except us. Then God reminds me just how blessed Michael and I are. A couple of times, I had even started to feel myself becoming angry. But I thank God that he has taken the anger away. It's such a horrible place to be. I guess it's easier than facing hurt and sadness. For some reason I think anger takes away some of the feelings of vulnerability that infertility creates. Still, I am so glad that God has delivered me from that. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not praying for this trial to be over- that there be a different way for God to be glorified through our lives and marriage, because I definitely am. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But as long as this is the path God has us on, than we will continue to glorify Him until the end of it. So, to end, I'm going to post song lyrics again. Sometimes I think they can better convey what I'm feeling and trying to say better than I can myself. Thank you for your prayers. We are very grateful for them.
"The pathway is broken And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to"
Ginny Owens

Our Lives this month!

2009-09-07T18:14:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone has had a great Labor Day weekend! Michael and I decided to take off and go to San Antonio! We had a blast. We decided not to set an agenda for the weekend. We just had a list of things that would be fun to do. If you ever go to San Antonio, I highly recommend going to the Natural Bridge Caverns. They were really beautiful. However, I did not get any pictures due to the fact that I left my camera at home!!! Every time we saw something that looked cool, I felt the need to make the comment that it would make a really great picture if I had brought my camera. Even without my camera I still really enjoyed it, and now I have an excuse to go back! Yesterday we went to Max Lucado's church. Great message and he's such a great speaker. Again, if you go to San Antonio on a weekend, it's definitely worth going to his church.

I have officially started to plan for Nolan's 1 year birthday party. I'm not really sure what an appropriate title for it is yet. We're hoping it's also going to coincide with the playground dedication at church that's being done in memory of him. So, if you have a good name for the party that I could put on the invitations, let me know!

This month Michael and I saw a fertility specialist for the first time. He said that everything looks good!! Right now we're just waiting. So if you could please pray that we would not be anxious. I truly believe that God is going to bless Michael and I with children, I just don't know when or how, but I do believe it will happen!

Another Month

2009-08-18T20:02:00.004-05:00

Can't believe I let another month slip by without updating. What a month it has been! Michael and I really enjoyed spending some time with both our families. And I enjoyed my last month to relax! I'm back at work now and somewhat excited/overwhelmed about this year. I'm taking on a brand new math position, so there is no system set up yet. I'm excited about the challenge to help create a new program, but also a little nervous. Right now I keep staring at my room and hoping it will magically organize its self and look fabulous by Friday. Michael is being a wonderful husband and volunteering his entire Friday to come help me set up my room!
We are having to do another round of chlomid. I guess I thought that since I had gotten pregnant with Nolan without any medication that I was going to be pregnant the first month I was on chlomid. Now we're on month 3 of chlomid. I just don't understand. My doctor said I had good ovulation last month so I really got my hopes up. But, I do have to remember that it is great news that I did ovulate...a step in the right direction. So we are continuing to try, and we are putting our trust in God's timing- even if we don't understand it. A difficult thing that I've been learning is to praise God even when I'm having a hard time. As corny as this may be, there's a song that I absolutely love that talks about this...
"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
Casting Crowns

Yesterday

2009-07-20T11:31:00.011-05:00

Yesterday turned out to be a fairly eventful day for Michael and I. It started out completely normal. We went to church and enjoyed a lunch put on by the youth. Then we went home, relaxed, and decided to buy a new vacuum cleaner. For some reason, Michael and I seem to have trouble with vacuum cleaners. They stop working correctly within a years time. So, we decided to get the Mac Daddy of vacuum cleaners...we got an Oreck!!! After we made our exciting purchase, we were headed to go play cards, but I wanted to stop and buy batteries for my new flash. As we started to turn into the CVS off of the beltway, I suddenly heard a screech and then we got hit. This is my first official accident that I have ever been in. We quickly pulled over to the side in the parking lot and hopped out. It felt like we had been hit pretty hard, but our car had a surprisingly small amount of damage (but since the tail pipe was bent, it had to be towed). The lady that hit us had a significant amount of damage to her front end, but thankfully no one was hurt. Everything went a lot smoother than I thought it would. The police officer showed up, asked what happened, checked everyone's information, and then sent us on our way. Everyone was extremely nice and no one was upset with anyone. The whole process wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Now we'll see if dealing with the insurance companies is as easy!

Two weeks ago, I practiced my picture taking on my dear friend Katy and her family. Her two kiddos are absolutely precious! I feel the need to mention that it was incredibly hot when we took these pictures. I think I was dripping with sweat about 5 minutes into the photo session. I have no idea how they managed to stay looking so beautiful in the heat, but they did. Thank you Katy! I enjoyed it so much!!

This is probably my favorite picture!

So sweet!

I love Jonah's smile in this picture!

Again, I love Jonah's smile in this picture. Next time I'll make sure that the sun is not in everyone's faces- sorry Dennis!

Today

2009-07-16T22:36:00.005-05:00

Whether or not it is a good idea for me to be writing this post right now, I'm not sure. It's late (at least what Michael and I consider late), and it's been a long day. So, I'm extra tried and emotional. This morning I woke up and not much to my surprise, I discovered that no, I am not pregnant. I've realized that I can tell the day before by several indicators. One major one (a development since having Nolan) is a major headache. Last night I definitely had a headache but tried to convince myself that it wasn't one. Since I was already running behind when I woke up this morning, I didn't have much time to talk about it with Michael or be comforted by Michael before I had to leave for a conference. On top of that my cell phone was dying, so any time that I had a break between seminars, I couldn't call and talk to Michael. Then I made the mistake of skipping lunch so that I could attend more seminars. If you know me at all, when I don't eat regularly I get absurdly emotional. So there I was today, sitting in the seminars, ready to burst into tears. Yesterday I attend a seminar by Kim Sutton(if you're reading this and you teach math...she's terrific-attend a conference by her if you get a chance!). Today I attended another one by her. Well, my emotional status had changed between those two times. I learned so much in the first seminar, and I can barely remember a thing I heard (more like should of heard but didn't) today. Perhaps this is because I chose to invite my 6 month something pregnant friend to come sit by me and she kept feeling her stomach during the seminar. Normally this wouldn't bother me as much as it did today. Each time she felt her belly, I thought- she must be feeling her little boy kick. That thought led to remembering how much I enjoyed feeling Nolan kick, which led to missing Nolan and wondering how long I'd have to wait to feel that again- if ever. After that seminar, I should have just left. But I carpooled with a friend, so that wasn't an option. The next two seminars were great, but again I was lost in my head somewhere and probably would have benefited a lot more had I been concentrating on the presentation. The last seminar was horrible and I wouldn't have learned anything even if I had given the presenter my full attention, and it was finished 30 minutes ahead of time. So I decided to go explore the exhibits while I waited for my friend to meet me when she was finished. Keep in mind I'm very emotional at this point. I walked up to a booth that had some really neat materials to buy. The first lady that was there was really nice and friendly. Than I went to the lady next to her. I'm not really sure why, but this lady seemed to have it out for me. She had a free packet with some materials that she was handing out, which we all know is the only reason anyone was over there. I got to her table as she was finishing her demonstration and handing out the free packets. She had one more in her hand so I said that I would like one (very politely at that). Maybe me saying that is what made her mad, I don't know. But she quickly snapped at me and said, you have to watch a demonstration before I give you one. I didn't think to much of this and simply said okay. She started the demonstration and said that everyone needed to try it. I was not standing all that close, but assisted another person with their turn verbally. I guess this was not good enough because the lady called out my name (we had name tags) and said I had to take a turn. (I should perhaps point out that out of a group of people, I was the only one she singled out and called out by name to take a turn). As soon as I finished my turn she ended the demo and handed out the packets. She thanked everyone for coming as she handed them the packet except for me. But the thing that really got me was that some one walked up after she finished the demo and she gave them a free packet too! I thought to myself, not only did you refuse to give me a packet before I watched an entire demo (b/c I caught the tail end of the first one), but you insisted that I participate and singled me out. Had I not already been in such an emotional state already, this most likely would not have phased me, but man I was steaming afterwards. I had a few more minutes to kill so I went and somewhat soothed my anger by buying 2 math teacher shirts. They're really cute. One says "I love problem solving! Math Teacher" and the other says "Math" on the front and " Learn it, know it, show it" on the back. I'm very excited because we get to wear teacher t-shirts every Friday to school. To be honest, I like them so much I might even wear them places other than school! (much to Michael's and my brother's disapproval). After I bought my shirts it was time to go. Thankfully. Michael got home shortly after I did, and I told him all about the lady. Well, this once again flared my anger ( I should have known better than to talk about it again) and I spent maybe the next 15 minutes coming up with things I should have said to that lady to "put her in her place". Michael noticed I was really quiet and asked if I was still thinking about the lady. He knows me so well. I do have to say, I came up with some pretty clever things to say, Michael even agreed they were pretty good! But I'm over it now, really, I promise. I still hadn't eaten dinner at that point, so we quickly made something to eat, and my ability to be rational returned to me once again. I really thought the emotional ups and downs of my day were over, but for some reason I got the strong urge to go into Nolan's nursery a few hours after dinner. Lately when I've gone in the nursery, it hasn't been an emotional thing. But tonight I sobbed (because crying can't adequately describe it) as I went through all his things. I can't even remember the last time I did that. I can't say that I enjoyed it, because it hurt. I once heard someone say that the pain comes less frequently as time passes, but it hurts just as badly when it does come as it did in the beginning. I really thought that the really painful moments were starting to come to an end, but tonight I felt a depth of pain I had not felt in a while. That deep deep longing to hold Nolan in my arms returned with great strength. I hope I'm not confusing anyone by saying that, I always wish to hold him again, but I could actually feel an emptiness in my arms again I hadn't felt for a very long time. I also had the sudden realization tonight that almost all the clothes I had bought him would most likely be outgrown by now. That seems like such an insignificant detail, but it just made me think about how big he'd be by now. As I was looking at all of his stuff laying around, I also realized it's probably time to clean up the nursery and put things away. I haven't even attempted it yet. So, I'm putting that on the list of things to get accomplished for next week. We'll see if it gets done. I'm hoping tomorrow goes a little bit smoother than today. Who knows, maybe I'll even give that lady and her demonstrations another try.

New toy

2009-07-14T19:00:00.003-05:00

Last night while I was cooking dinner I heard a loud bang on the window and looked out to find Michael sitting on a riding lawn mower in our back yard. Our neighbor across the street got a new one and decided to give us his old one for free (we have very nice neighbors). Well, I decided to go out there and hop on it myself. Let me just say- I love it! I drove it around the backyard just for fun (without the blade down, so no yard mowing was being done). If you've seen our yard, you know it's not really big enough to justify a riding lawn mower, but it was free! So I'm excited. I haven't mowed the yard in two years (two years ago I mowed it to surprise Michael and he re-mowed it because it didn't look good... needless to say, that was the last time I mowed the yard), but now I think I might actually try mowing the yard again!

Update!

2009-07-07T11:13:00.002-05:00

I thought summer time would be a lot slower than during the school year and I would have a lot more time to write, but I can't believe how busy it's been! Fun busy, but busy. In June Michael and I went to California for his friend's wedding and made a vacation out of it. I loved the cool weather! It was such a nice break from the Houston heat. For the rest of July I plan to just take it easy. I choose not to think about the fact that August is just around the corner!

I recently went on a visit to my OBGYN and found out the reason we are having trouble getting pregnant, I'm not ovulating. My doctor suggested we try Chlomid (it forces you to ovulate-I think). I'm on my first month of trying i,t and I'm very excited! We had wondered if there was something wrong with me before I got pregnant with Nolan. But than we had a wonderful surprise 2 days before we were supposed to go to the OBGYN to discuss our concerns. So it seems that I do ovulate sometimes, but not regularly, and that makes it hard to get pregnant. I spent a lot of time praying about our last appointment and definitely feel peace about our decision to use Chlomid. I did however, have no idea that you could have multiples using chlomid until about a week ago. So that kind of threw a new twist to the whole thing, but I can't lie, it would be really exciting to have multiples! Although we would be overjoyed with one!

That's the big news in our life right now. The nice thing about this medicine is that you know when things should be occuring. We've got just less than two more weeks to wait and find out. I'm trying not to stress out about it, but it seems when you intentionally try not to stress, stress is exactly what happens!!! But I've actually not be nearly as stressed as thought I might be. I know God is in control of all of this and He loves Michael and I both. And even though it's hard to see it sometimes, everything He does is for our good. So, that is the thought that keeps me going.

Weddings!

2009-05-26T17:25:00.004-05:00

The past two weeks have been crazy busy! Michael and I went out of town last weekend to visit two of my bestest friends from Baylor! It was definitely a lot of fun to get to see them and hang out. They've been such a great support to me and I love them dearly. We didn't get around to going horseback riding this time, but I'm going to make sure it's on the agenda for next time!

The weekend before that we went to Mississippi for Michael's sister's and cousin's wedding (not to each other!) I think some used the term "wedding marathon" to describe the crazyness of that weekend. Michael's cousin got married on saturday and his sister on sunday. Michael was in both, and I was in Melissa's. Needless to say, it was event after event. But so much FUN! I love to get dressed up, so I was really enjoying it. Michael, however, does not like getting dressed up. So I don't think he liked that part very much. We both enjoyed spending time with his family that we don't get to see too much. Almost everyone was in town ( I think the idea of doing both weddings back to back was a great idea...everyone only had to make one trip!). Both weddings were absolutely beautiful.

I have a favorite moment from the whole weekend. It's a little bit selfish and really has nothing to do with the weddings, but I'm going to share it anyways. We were at a cookout on Thursday night for his cousin's wedding and we saw one of Michael's other cousins, Julie, we haven't seen for a long time. She has a 4 year old daughter, Olivia, and was trying to help her remember who we were. When Nolan had passed away, Olivia drew a picture for us of him and made a big hug out of construction paper-it was absolutely precious. So Julie tried to remind her who we were by explaining that I was Nolan's mommy. I don't think anyone has ever introduced me that way before. I don't think I could even begin to explain how happy that made me feel.

Faith

2009-05-12T07:20:00.007-05:00

Time to update!
This morning I was preparing for my bible study at work this afternoon. We're studying a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart". I've really enjoyed it so far and feel like I have learned so much. I've always seen myself as a worry ward and never really realized that that shows a big lack of my putting my complete trust in God. This bible study has put it in real simple terms- worry/anxiety is saying that God can't (fill in the blank with whatever you're concern is). It's saying that God is not big enough to handle our problems. OUCH! It's hard to to admitt that that is what I was saying by worrying, but it's true. So, this morning I was reading a chapter on faith. I have to admitt, I wasn't really feeling extremely excited about this chapter. The last chapter was fantastic and I learned a lot. This chapter just didn't seem to really say anything I hadn't heard before. Then it started to talk about Noah. I think everyone knows about Noah. But how incredible is his faith when you really stop to think about. The book suggests that it's possible that where he lived, they may have never seen any rain. Yet there he was, building a boat for a flood. I think the concept of doing something by faith and not seeing any evidence of it for over a hundred years is a hard one to grasp. But then the book reminded me of something else I hadn't thought of. Not only was he ridiculed, but he didn't have encouragement from his fellow man. He had his trust and faith in God and that alone! The book says that living by faith for Noah meant "suffering the loneliness of being the only righteous man in town for over a century". How many times have I thought " I can do this as long as someone else helps, encourages, or does it with me".

But the part that really made me think was this, "If I can see what God is doing- how He is working everything together for good - then I don't need faith...We say we want more faith, but really what we want is sight. Sight says ' I see that it's good for me, so God must have sent it,' but faith says, 'God sent it, so it must be good for me". I would be lying if I said there weren't times when I've said- if I can just know how Nolan's death is going to work for my good, how his death is going to be used as an instrument for God's glory. But I need to trust in God that it will because it says so in His word. Not that I see evidence of it now (although I do have to admitt that I've been truly blessed becuase I have already seen God glorified through it!). There have been many people that have been an encouragement to me along the way that have lost their own child. So many times I have thought, when will the time come that I get to do that for someone else? I just have to trust that it will or mabye that even God has a different plan in mind. But he has a plan!

I think it's strange, but I have become much less of a worry ward since loosing Nolan. I attribute it to the fact that I have seen God's faithfulness through the whole thing. He's brought me through it, and I know He will continue to bring me through it. Never once did I have thoughts that things were hopeless or I had no reason to live. That is not a lie. I wouldn't say that depression didn't try to creep in. It did, it was hard, but God gave me the strength to make it through that as well. I learned to hit my knees and cling to God, to trust God that the pain would lessen and He was still with me through it all. It never lasted very long, I'm very grateful for that. The thing about faith is you have to trust God for each step with out knowing exactly what the step after that one will be. As the book says, if we knew how it was all going to turn out, what would be the point of faith? We just trust and have faith that God says He will provide for us, He loves us, and He will never leave us.

I figured I would close with a memory of Nolan today. Sunday we celebrated mother's day and yesterday was Nolan's 6 month birthday! Michael surprised me with flowers at work on Friday! What a wonderful husband!!! This memory of Nolan is of a time before he was born. It was a check up around week 30 something. The nurse was checking his heart rate, and pressing the device on my belly. Well, I guess he didn't like that because he kicked it really hard! The nurse kind of jumped back a little becuase she was able to feel it too! Such a strong boy!
(I'm going to try to start updating more often...life should start to slow down now that school is almost over-and TAKS is over!!!)

Photography!

2009-04-16T17:14:00.005-05:00

This past weekend I practiced taking some pictures of my sister-in-law and her fiance. Thank you Melissa and Jay!!! I had so much fun doing it (I probably enjoyed the it way more than everyone else!). Here are some of the photos that I thought turned out well. I played around with the photoshop some what on some of them. (there are two pictures that are the same, just one BW and the other color. I couldn't decide which looked best)

On a side note, let me just say that God is amazing. I was starting to wonder if I was heading in the right direction with this photography thing. Lots of self doubt (I know who to thank for that-just took me a little while to see it). Yesterday I was showing a friend my pictures and was saying that it would be really nice to practice with another photographer. Last night I ended up emailing a friend of mine, that is a wonderful professional photographer, and I asked her a question about autofocus vs. manual. Shortly after that I got on my knees and asked God to give me guidance as to whether or not to keep going with photography. Well, I was so excited this morning when I got online and saw a reply from my friend (the photographer). She had answered my question and then asked me if I wanted to get together and practice! This may seem small, but I have no doubt that was a direct answer to prayer. I hadn't mentioned getting together in the email, but felt like that was the very thing I really need to go further with getting better at taking pictures. Needless to say, I'm still amazed.

Nolan's tree!!!

2009-04-10T17:38:00.004-05:00

Nolan's tree is blooming!!! I'm so excited! I had really started to think that it wasn't going to bloom (our neighbor has the same tree and it had been blooming for a couple weeks) and that we had planted it to soon. I can't tell you how sad that made me. So yes, this is an answer to prayer! Michael went out to get Colby this morning and called me to come out to look at something. Lately Colby has been finding strange (like a stuffed carrot!) toys and bringing them back to our patio with him. So I thought Michael wanted me to see yet another toy Colby had found. It was much better than that! His tree is absolutely beautiful! We were already running late to get somewhere, so I took some quick pictures of it this morning. I played with my new editing software and below are the photos!!!

2009-04-07T12:33:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been having hard time finding time to sit down and write. I have all these thoughts jumping around in my head that are ready to come out. I don't have time to write them all down today, so I figured I'd start with the most significant one for me right now.

I actually kept up with the ovulation kit this month and learned that yes, I am ovulating each month! So that is a relief since I am now so irregular (Jarrett-sorry if this is to much to learn about your sister!) I had started to worry I wasn't ovulating. I prayed for peace as we waited for two weeks that I would not be in a rush to take a pregnancy test. I'm thankful I didn't because we discovered last night that I'm not pregnant this month. I think that's an important lesson I learned from last month that it's better to wait until you're sure your period has passed b/c negative pregnancy tests are a disappointment every time. I'd rather just feel that way once instead.

To be honest though, the ovulation kit is to much stress. I've decided to give it up. When I'm doing the kit everyday that's all I can think about. Then after I know I've ovulated, getting to the end of the next 2 weeks is all I can think about. I've had many people say to me, just relax, let it happen when it happens and don't stress about it. As hard as that is, that's what I'm going to do. I REFUSE to get jealous, angry, and stressed about this. I'm not saying that I won't continue to be sad about it from time to time, but ultimately this is in God's hands and I have to trust what He's doing. I know I can't stay away from those 3 things on my own. Every day it's a battle and something I have to give up to God. I could definitely use pray in this area!

At the church Michael and I go to we are the only married couple (that I know of- I may not be remembering everyone) without kids at home or grown. Fortunately, everyone at our church is wonderful. We're not made to be outcasts and we're never excluded (at least that I know of! haha) because we don't have children to bring to functions. Michael and I have made several close friends (couple friends too!) and we love hanging out with them and their kiddos. I think it's actually been somewhat helpful.

One thing lately that I've been having a hard time with are comments people make about Michael and I not having any children. I know people aren't meaning to be mean by them, and I bet people probably feel bad after they've said it because they didn't even realizing what they were saying. I'm never mad at a person for saying these comments (such as- when you have children you'll understand, when you're a mother you'll ...). I guess the reason it bothers me so much is that I feel like Nolan is completely forgotten about. I know the meaning behind the comment is that we didn't get the chance to raise him so in that sense I don't understand that part of being a mother or having a child, but I've already had a child and been a mother! It just hurts a little everytime something like that is said. Those types of comments are starting to come around more often, maybe because more time has passed. I hate the idea of people walking on eggshells around us and having to watch everything they say, but it hurts to hear it. Nolan is still our child even though he's in heaven. I think that's something I'm just going to have to get used to it.

Alright, this post has gone on long enough. Hopefully I'll have more time to write tomorrow. Like I said, I have a lot of stuff tumbling around inside my head that is ready to come out... I just don't seem to have the time to write it all down! I haven't ended with a memory of Nolan in a long time and I think this is one I've never shared but for some reason have been thinking about a lot lately. Nolan right little arm and hand were rapped up with a soft cloth so that he wouldn't hurt himself with his IV. When he was squirming around a lot, he would bump the wrapped up hand on his face, and he would make the cutest little annoyed face. He never really cried about it, but he definitely did not like it. Strange memory, I know. But I remember it really vividly because I kept trying to move his little hand out of the way so he wouldn't do it again, but he insisted on keeping it right there!

TAKS is almost here!

2009-03-30T07:24:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time again! So let me get you caught up on how things are going. Spring break was WONDERFUL!!! A much needed break. Plus we got to see Matthew and Casey (my brother-in-law and sister-in-law), and that's always fun! We went to go see bluebonnets and they let me practice taking pictures of them. Which I plan on posting them very soon! I also bought photo editing software over the break. Very exciting! But now I have to really figure out how to use it.
I have to admit, I was not excited about having to come back to school, mainly because I got used to sleeping in again. I really think that if they just started school one to mabye two hours later it would be the perfect job. I love my job! (except for the whole TAKS thing) Fortunately that is almost over too!! It's crazy, but the most fun time in school is always the last month. It's stress free and you can do activities that there just wasn't enough time for before because you were preparing for the TAKS (but not teaching TO the TAKS!). The kids are always more relaxed and I am definitely more relaxed- although last year I was also nauseated the entire day due to extreme morning sickness- but it was still my favorite part of the year! So, I'm excited that TAKS is almost here and over and I'll get to really enjoy my kiddos and teaching for the rest of the year!

Today

2009-03-11T15:42:00.002-05:00

Nolan would have been 4 months old today! It feels like such a long time ago that I got to hold him in my arms. I told Michael the other day that the hardest thing right now is that it's getting harder to remember what he felt like when I held him in my arms. I remember the emotions and the excitement very clearly. I can still remember him looking up at me and over to his daddy, and how he stopped crying and just gazed up at me when I sang to him. I can still see his little re-end wiggling in the air. But I used to actually be able to "feel" him in my arms. It's hard to adequately explain what I mean by that, how it's different than simply remembering, but it is.

His grave marker is in. It's beautiful. It's Noah's Ark with a bunch of little animals. It's nice to be able to put his flowers next to it. We're going to go there after work today. We've decided to go there for his birthday every month until what would have been his one year old birthday. This may sound crazy to some people, but I want to have a big party next year for him. I know it's not really for him but for me. A time to have everyone stop and remember him. I got this idea from a newsletter for Mom's Experiencing Neonatal Death. We'll still have everyone bring a gift appropriate for a 1 year old boy, but then after the party Michael and I will bring them down to Texas Children's and donate them. I just think it's such a great way to remember him and help others. So don't be shocked next Nov. when you get an invitation!

A few months back I joined a support group online (that's the problem with living in a small town...everything is sooooooo far away! So online made more sense). I get updates on posts everyday. It's amazing how many of the women in the group really put their faith, hope, joy, and trust in God. I guess that's why I find the group so encouraging. One of the women put a post up the other day that really just encouraged me. As Christians, we know this. But I feel like we forget to often. This is the scripture she posted- "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10. The whole point of the post was that we should never let the enemy steal our peace and joy that God gives us. Our problem may be big, but our God is bigger!!!

Roses are Red

2009-03-03T16:41:00.003-06:00

Not this month. In a weird way, I'm just glad to have an answer. I'm a little sad, but not devastated.

I feel really bad for my students right now though. I'm terribly moody during this time of the month and my moodiness seems to be even worse than before I was pregnant. So, let me tell you what happened today! I have three little girls that are feuding. This has been going on for a week or two. This is the first problem of this sort for the whole year. Other than this, my students have all gotten along wonderfully (it's kind of strange just how well they got along). Needless to say, I was not a happy camper when they started getting on each other's cases again today during recess. Normally I would have calmly figured out what was going on and had them work it out, but like I said earlier, I'm very mood right now. And my mood at the current time was not a good one. After trying to avoid having to deal with the problem and then receiving a horrible glare from one of the girls the entire time I was teaching a math lesson, I decided to address the problem. Once in the hallway, I gave a nice little lecture that was way harsher than normal. I started to feel bad and made sure we had a nice group hug at the end. Even though the girls left with somewhat of a smile (At one point all three were crying), I still felt guilty for being so harsh towards one of the girls. I called her up and apologized. What I'm going to end with is what the little girl gave me at the end of the day. This is why I love 4th grade- you can have them in tears one moment and then they'll tell you they love you the next. No grudge holding.
"Roses are red, violets are blue; Sugar is sweet and so are you...I love you Mrs. Sitton"

Waiting

2009-03-02T16:54:00.003-06:00

I feel like this post is long over due. I've been stalling in the hope of having some news, but as of right now, there is no news (good or bad). I've never been a patient person. It seems like there is nothing better than trying to get pregnant to teach patience. I hope this is not to much information for anyone, but I am almost two weeks late without a positive pregnancy test. I've been told by many moms that this is normally. It takes awhile to get back on track. The difficult part about this is that I have no idea now when to expect it, or when I should know that I've missed it. I'm too embarrassed to admit how many pregnancy test I've already taken, but on the advice of a friend that's been through this, I've decided not to take one for AT LEAST another week. So if you see me during the week, feel free to ask me if I have stayed true to this (I need some accountability!). Some days I'm able to pray about it and give my worry and anxiety about it over to God completely, but some days I can't seem to let go of it.

Last year I went to a women's conference with my church. I'll never forget when the praise and worship leader got up and spoke. She shared her story of trying to get pregnant and then adopting. The phrase that stuck with me is "God is in the waiting". I feel like often times I'm just living for that next big thing, which for Michael and I would be getting pregnant. But God hasn't called me to wait to live my life until I get what I'm waiting for. So this is my current struggle and prayer, that I would be content with where God has me right now. That I would be joyful in my current circumstance.

It's been a while

2009-02-25T09:09:00.002-06:00

So it's been a while since I've last updated my blog. It's crazy how time can just seem to slip by. Today's blog is short. I'm in need of prayer right now. More specifically that I would just have peace. Thank you in advance. It's nice to know I have friends and family I can count on to pray.

Photos!

2009-02-08T18:09:00.009-06:00

Yesterday Michael and I thought it would be nice to go to a park, walk around, take some pictures, and be outside because it was such a beautiful day. Little did we know that it was Homestead Heritage Day! This was great because I had wanted to practice taking some pictures for my class. I had so many opportunities to take fun pictures! We enjoyed watching the Civil War re-enactment. Although it was really funny because they had the south win the battle. They also painted the North in a really bad light (they were being mean to the southern folks-taking their food, pushing them around, etc.). I guess that's what we should have expected since we're in the south! Since my dear friend Golda has requested to see some pictures (thanks by the way! I was just waiting for someone to ask!!), I'm posting some below. I'm also posting some I took of Colby (our dog) at home. He's a very photogenic dog!

This picture of the little boy is the only one I've tried photo editing so far. The photo came out a little bit blurry, but I still like it!
It was neat to watch this woman. She was taking wool and spinning it into thread.

This was Colby getting a bath. He absolutely hates getting wet! But he's just so darn cute!!
I think Colby's gotten used to me taking pictures of him. The sound of the camera used to make him jump a little. Now it doesn't seem to phase him.

One day at a time

2009-02-04T16:31:00.002-06:00

No strike! At least that's what I understand. I think it's just a matter of formality now. Thank you so much for all your prayers! It's great to get to have my husband home with me!!

One of the biggest things that God is showing me right now is how to take just one day at a time. I can't even count the number of people that gave me that advice, but for some reason it never really sunk in until now. I'm a "big picture" kind of person. I like to plan well in advance and know what's going to happen down the road. The best way I can think to describe just how much I like to know the outcome of things is the way I feel about movies or television. Once I start watching a show, I have to now how it's going to end. Even if I don't like it, I just don't like to be left to wonder. Cliff hangers are the worst! It's just pure toture to have to wait a week to find out! So the thought of focusing on one day at a time and not worrying about what lies ahead is a tricky one for me. But still, more and more I've come to realize I have to give all that over to God. He says "So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. So true! I find when I start to focus on making plans for the future (other than necessary ones... like attending events or planning vacations etc.) I get anxious and stressed out. When I focus on one day at a time and rely on God's strength for that day, wow! I can't believe how much easier the day is. So, that's where I am right now. Learning to rely on God for just one day at a time, enjoying blessings He gives me each day. Not to say it's not still a struggle sometimes, but I'm learning.

Thanks again for all your prayers and support. It's such a comfort to know that we have friends and family praying for us!

2009-01-31T21:28:00.002-06:00

Great news! The strike is not on yet! Michael went in tonight and was told to go home due to a 24 hour extension. So for now at least he gets to be at home!!! Thanks for all your prayers! I'll continue to post as we found out more.

2009-01-28T16:21:00.003-06:00

I enrolled in a photography class! It's online and only six weeks, but I'm really excited. It was weird to study for my quiz. I felt like I was back in college again! It has assignments each week. Fortunately I have a super hot husband that's willing to let me take pictures of him. And yes...I will be posting some throughout the class! I have to say I was really impressed with how long he stood outside in the cold while I messed with my camera settings and tried to get just the right picture. I love my husband!

On that note, Michael's work is possibly going to be striking next week. Since he is not a worker that would go on strike, he would actually have to work extra to replace the workers that aren't there. Plus, the first two weeks of the strike they would lock all workers in and not let them leave since they are unsure of the picket line. This is bad timing for us since next week would be the first week we can officially start trying for another little blessing. So please keep us in your prayers regarding this issue.

4 days ago my music minister at my church asked me to sing a song this coming Sunday. Right after Nolan passed away I heard a song on the radio and decided that I wanted to sing it, but truthfully, it's hard at times to really sing this song from my heart. The song says "let the earthquake, our hope is unchange". Yes, my hope is unchanged, but sometimes I do want the earth to just be still for a while. But ultimately I know that I need to just give it all to God. He is my hope, so who am I to tell Him when or when not to shake up my world. He is my source of strength, so I know that it is through Him I can endure. So, I've decided to sing the song this weekend. I wanted to share the lyrics with you all. They are beautiful. Natalie Grant's songs always seem to really minister to me. Hopefully you'll find comfort in it too.
"Our Hope Endures"

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures
the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear

But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope

Our hope endures,
the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Spontaneous!

2009-01-19T20:17:00.003-06:00

Michael and I have recently gotten into taking spontaneous trips together. Michael's birthday was the 31st of December, and we decided just a few days before it that we were going to drive up to Colorado and go skiing. It was so much fun to just hop in the car and go. We drove through the night (it took almost 20 hours!) without stopping to Winter Park and enjoyed two days of skiing. We soon discovered we were not the most skilled skiers, but we had a blast! This weekend we went to visit one of my friends from college who lives out in the country. It's so peaceful there. On Saturday night we built a bonfire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over it. The weather was perfect. It was just a little bit chilly, so I ended up falling asleep in front of the fire that felt nice and warm. I woke up abruptly when the coyotes started howling. It sounded like they had us surrounded, but Whitney assured me that they sound closer than they really were. Unfortunately I forgot my camera and missed many opportunities to take beautiful pictures this past weekend.

I'm really hoping to start seriously getting into photography. I'm really good at starting things, but horrible at seeing them all the way through. So, if you need something to pray about, please pray that I have the discipline to really start practicing photography. I've always enjoyed taking pictures, but I'm hoping to develop it into more than just a hobby. I'd like to be good enough that I can one day join Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and use that as an opportunity to offer comfort to those going through a situation similar to ours.

2009-01-11T20:49:00.003-06:00

There are many times that I want to speak up and say something, but I'm to worried it won't come out right so I don't say anything at all. Then I usually regret that I didn't speak up. This morning was one of those times. During Sunday school there was a discussion on suffering and questions we have about why we suffer (at least that's what it was about when I walked in. Praise band practice ran a little late and then I talked afterwards. So needless to say I was super late getting to Sunday school today.). I figured since I didn't say anything this morning, I would go ahead and say it here. So many times I have heard the question "why? Why would God allow this to happen?" I think it's clear, for His glory. I'm so thankful to know what Job did not know. Job has so many questions for God and wants Him to answer. What I find so amazing is that God did answer him, but just not like Job would have thought. God reminded Job who He was and is. He didn't explain why, just that He is Almighty and Creator. After God was done, Job's questions went away. It was enough for him to know that God was God and He was in control. When I read that part in Job, I really felt that God was speaking directly to me. The only thing I need to know is that Nolan's life and death served to bring glory to God, and God is in control.

I think the other reason God allows us to suffer is to give us a yearning for heaven. The book I'm reading that talks about Job points out how Job yearned for heaven because his suffering was so great. Honestly, if this life never had suffering and pain- who would want to leave it? While I find joy in living my life and serving God, I also look forward to the day I get to meet Him in heaven. I think it's hard to even begin to imagine a place with no more pain and suffering. I really don't think we as humans can even start to fathom how amazing a place it's going to be.

Basically, I think it comes down to this- who are you living your life for? Yourself or God. No suffering is to great to bear when your life is centered around God. I think the toughest thing is giving up our own plans and dreams we have for ourselves and surrendering them to God and letting His will be done. When I was reading my book today, I read something that really made me stop and think. The author said that often times we pray for the miracle we want whether it be a miraculous healing or a dream of ours to come true, and then we tag on the end of our prayer that God's will be done. Instead we should pray that His will be done and if it's inside His will that those other things may be done. This is a tough thing to do and something I struggle with. I have my hopes and dreams and plans for my life. But as I was reminded this morning, it is about His will and not mine.

Work!

2009-01-07T16:10:00.003-06:00

I've survived returning to work! The first day back was the hardest. The first couple of hours were the worst part. I made the mistake of checking old emails when the day began. When I saw one that said Davra's shower I should have just deleted it, but I decided to open it. I read through it as my students quietly worked on their morning warm-up. After I read it I realized that I hadn't put up the spelling words yet. So I got the spelling poster and started making the list in the back of the room. Fortunately my back was to the students because I just couldn't control my crying- it was definitely not a good idea to read that email. I just wanted to leave. I walked out of the room without saying anything to my students and got the teacher across the hall to watch them. I soon realized that there is little privacy in a school and couldn't find anywhere to go to be alone for a second. There's a 5th grade teacher that had a similar situation and has been wonderful about comforting me. I knew her students were at groups so I went to her room. I think it's truly a blessing to have someone at my school that has gone through something similar. Other people can say things to try and comfort, but to have someone that's been there and actually made it through- it's just different. She reminded me of the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13. It's amazing how God places people in my life to say the exact thing I need to hear at the time. That one little verse reminded me who was in control and why I was there. When I got up in front of my students and started teaching, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. We started a new composition on Monday, and I was giving them examples of what I might write. I'm always amazed that they laugh at my corny jokes- I love it! Later in the day my students noticed Nolan's pictures on my desk. A swarm of questions ensued. Questions I would never have thought of like- "what do you think his favorite color was?". I enjoyed getting to talk about him with them.
I haven't had a melt down since the first day. My students have managed to keep me laughing throughout most of the day. I forgot how witty and funny some of them are- and sometimes they don't even realize it. There are still moments when I think- I'm not supposed to be here. I should be with Nolan. But then I remember that I'm exactly where God has lead me, and He has purpose for my life. Even though I don't understand it now, I know everything will be used for His glory. So thank you for all your prayers and thoughts, they are appreciate more than can be expressed in words.

Returning to work

2009-01-04T19:56:00.002-06:00

So, I'm definitely going back to work tomorrow. I know it's time, but I don't think that makes it any easier. I had planned on staying home with Nolan, so when I left to go on bed rest, I thought that I was done and had mentally detached. I'm hoping that if I do have a melt down tomorrow that it's either before school or after when I'm with Michael. I got two picture frames and picked out pictures of Nolan that I'm going to put on my desk tomorrow and show my students. There's a part of me that is nervous about what the students may say, but I think it's actually children that respond best to loss. Adults tend to be cautious in what they say and most of the time try to avoid anything that might be awkward or uncomfortable. Kids just say their honest thoughts and feelings. Today in church two of my friends little girls (who are 4) were sitting by me at the beginning of church. One of the little girls asked the other one if she knew that I had had a baby that died. The second little girl said yes and they talked about getting to see him at the funeral. To be honest, I was touched that they remembered Nolan and they weren't afraid to talk about him. My students are 4th graders, but I'm sure they'll react more like the two little girls than adults. I did visit them for a short time before Christmas, but they were so excited to tell me about the 2 new students and what their Christmas plans were that there was no time for talking about anything else.
Well, I guess my blog was short today. Again I feel like I have so much more to say but need to get to bed (I'm not used to having to wake up early anymore!!). I know God will give me the strength to make it through tomorrow- I'm so grateful for that! Hopefully I'll be able to write a post tomorrow night saying how great the day was.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-28T17:31:00.004-06:00

Christmas is over! While we did enjoy Christmas, I have to admit that I'm glad it's over. For some reason both Michael and I found it difficult to listen to Christmas music, and we generally listen to KSBJ while driving. All they played was Christmas music after Thanksgiving, so I was really excited when I turned on my radio the day after Christmas and heard normal music on again.

One question I haven't figured out how to answer- how was your Christmas? I wonder if people want the real answer, or a quick "it was good." To be truthful, there were a lot of great moments and I did really enjoy myself. But I would definitely be lying if I said that it was all good. Michael has gotten really good at telling when I need a moment alone with him. I'm not comfortable crying in front of others. I hope one day I will be, maybe it will make things easier in that I won't try to hold in certain feelings until there's no one else in the room, and it will allow others to help. I know I've said this before, but it was the strangest things that trigger painful moments. I've reached the point where I'll be thinking that I'm doing really well, then it seems that out of nowhere I'm hurting again. Christmas day went pretty well until I started looking at pictures of Nolan. I look at the pictures all the time, so I'm not sure why they triggered such an emotional response that time, but they did. Going to sleep was rough that night. One night we were playing monopoly and it just hit me in the middle of the game that Nolan was not there. It was weird, because it was randomly in the middle of the game. As others played, I quietly imagined what I would be doing at that moment with Nolan if he was still alive. There were some other sad moments, but I won't go into all of them.

Even though there were some sad moments, there were also some really great moments. With Michael's side of the family we had craft night, which is now a family tradition. This years craft required some creativity and lots of patience! We made Christmas mosaics which meant gluing lots of little pieces. My sister in law had suggested to everyone to glue down the pieces as we put our design down on the tile. I didn't take her advice and later regretted it when I had to try to pick up the tiny pieces to glue each one without messing up the other little pieces. But I can say I honestly enjoyed it! With my side of the family we played catch phrase, also a family/friends tradition. Every Christmas Eve we go to a family friends house and there are lots of people there. So, it's a rather large group of people yelling and shouting trying to figure out the word(s). Half the fun is just trying to hear the persons whose turn it is. We generally play men vs. women, but I'm not sure who won this year.

2008-12-22T18:22:00.005-06:00

So many times I have thought about sitting down to write a post on my blog and then decided not to. After I quickly run through in my head what I want to write, I realize that I sound like a lot like a child throwing themselves down on the floor screaming "I want this and I want this now!", not realizing that there's a reason behind all this. I feel that there's a fine line between being sad/grieving and out right self pitying. I'm not sure where the line is right now.

This past weekend was tough. We celebrated Christmas with Michael's side of the family. Throughout the weekend I kept thinking-right now Nolan would be meeting his aunt and uncle for the first time, he'd be getting his first Christmas gift, I'd probably be really tired right now because I would have been awake in the middle of the night with Nolan. Whether or not thinking these things is healthy grieving or not, I don't know. They just bring me to a darker place then simply remembering my time with him.

Often times I feel jealous when I see young moms with their newborn babies out and about. Today I finished up some Christmas shopping and saw a mom out with her beautiful baby. My first thought was - did you really have to come into this store? - She has what I want...her baby to love, take care of, and watch grow up. I've really been praying about this jealousy thing. I don't want it to take control of me. It leads to way to much bitterness, and that is somewhere I don't want to go. But sometimes it just catches me by surprise.

I had a moment of clarity about a week ago while I was in the bathroom getting ready. I was thinking about what I "should" be doing at that moment with Nolan and how nothing seemed to have gone according to MY plan. I guess that's the thing, it's not really about my plan (as much as I would like it to be sometimes). How silly is it that I'm trying to tell God how I would like things to be and then stomping my foot when he doesn't listen to me. I feel that my best moments of peace and contentness (is that a word?) are when I surrender to God's will and accept this path that I'm on. Not to say that there's no sadness or pain, but not in the same way. "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:4 I was reading a hand out from the hospital on grieving the loss of an infant. There was a long list of things NOT to say to grieving parents. Believe it or not, this verse was on there. Why would you not say this? While at times it's hard to understand how loosing Nolan could possibly not harm me, I still cling to this verse as my promise from God that there is a reason and a plan, and it gives me hope.

Okay, I have so much more to say, but I feel like I'm starting to ramble and it's time to go to bed (yes, we go to bed super early 8:45!-we act way older than our age). Goodnight!

Christmas

2008-12-18T23:52:00.004-06:00

Tonight Michael and I went to a candle light service at the funeral home. It turned out to be really nice. There was a choir that sang and sounded nice(although the choir and the drummer couldn't seem to find the same beat-it provided Michael and I with a little comic relief) and a short sermon. The funeral home had a Christmas ornament for us with Nolan's name on it. It's kind of strange sitting in a room full of strangers and knowing that everyone is dealing with the same thing.

I'm nervous about the holidays. We had so many plans for what we would be doing with Nolan right now. Please pray for Michael and I during this time (I know so many of ya'll already are- so thank you for that!).

As Christmas gets closer, I've really stopped to think about God's sacrifice for us. I can't believe that he willingly sent his only Son to suffer and die on my account. I would have never willingly given Nolan up, let alone watch him suffer and be called horrible things by other people. I didn't have to watch my son suffer, and people had nothing but nice things to say about Nolan. If anyone had said anything bad about Nolan or hurt him, I know I would not have been able to give them mercy, forgiveness, or love like God gave us. I have to say, I feel like my understanding and appreciation for God's sacrifice of His Son for me has grown. To know that I was worth all that suffering, how amazing!

Job

2008-12-15T08:27:00.004-06:00

A few days ago I started to read a book called "Holding on to Hope". It's a bible study on Job and his journey through suffering. The author herself lost two babies of her own. A couple things I've read that have really comforted me or given me hope (I can see why she titled the book what she did):

Job's ability to praise the Lord, even though he just lost all that he had, and that at the end of Job it says he lived a long, good life. Even after all his suffering, his life was still described as good.

Sometimes I really want to skip to the part where my life is good again (okay- all the time), but I know it takes going through this time of pain to get there. Part of me wants to ask, how will it ever be good again? Won't I always feel that a part of me is missing? But God has been good, and He has surrounded me with others that have gone through their own loss. The comfort they offer me is this, yes- you will always feel that missing part, but it won't hurt the same.

A memory of Nolan- When he was still in my belly, Nolan used to get the hiccups all the time. The first time I felt them I wasn't sure what they were, but after feeling the little bump a few times in a row, I had it figured out. I used to love just putting my hand on my stomach and feeling him hiccup for a little while.

Snow!!!

2008-12-12T10:24:00.002-06:00

Yesterday would have been Nolan's 1 month old birthday. What an amazing gift God gave us, it snowed the night before and the ground was still covered on his birthday! I honestly can not ever remember there being this much snow in Houston. I mean, there have been fluries, but it's never stuck like this before. Michael measured how much snow was on top of my car, and it was 3 1/2 inches!!! So Michael and I sang happy birthday to Nolan in the morning, and then I took some pictures to remember this special day.

This is where Nolan is buried. We don't have his grave marker yet, but we just approved the design yesterday, and it's beautiful.

This is the tree that a friend got us to plant in honor of Nolan. It was so pretty surrounded by the snow.

It's hard to believe our little boy would already be one month old. We miss him so much. Thank you for all your prayers and remembering our son.

Also- Thanks for all the advice on the pictures!

The Shower

2008-12-10T13:23:00.003-06:00

I'm a little embarrassed to admitt this, but I've realized that I absolutely hate showering! It's not to bad when Michael is able to be in the bathroom and talk to me, but when I'm by myself, I can't stand having to take one. On Monday I got up really early and took one before Michael went to work, but this morning I slept in a little longer. It's not the actual showering that I don't like but that I feel completely and totally alone. Painful memories seem to fill my mind, and there are no distractions to take my mind off them. When I was pregnant, I loved hopping in the shower. It was usually the first thing I did in the morning, so every time I got in I'd say good morning to Nolan. I'd tell him it was time for us to get clean and talk to him throughout the entire shower. Now it's just me, and I miss him so much. I enjoy remembering those moments with him, but it hurts. Unfortunately I can't avoid showering for the rest of my life (I wouldn't want to make others suffer that way), and it's not practical to expect Michael to always be able to sit in the bathroom with me while I shower every time. It's just strange how simple things like taking a shower can become so difficult and hold so many memories.

Thank You

2008-12-07T18:09:00.010-06:00

Last night Michael and I got a cd and dvd of pictures that a volunteer took of Nolan after he passed away. This volunteer is a professional photographer and is a member of the group As I lay me down to sleep. I am so thankful for this man and this group. He came to the hospital in the middle of the night and took beautiful pictures of our son (at no cost to us), put them to music on a dvd, and then mailed them to us. Throughout this whole time, there have been so many wonderful people that have helped Michael and I. Some we have gotten to meet and thank, some I'm not sure we'll ever get the chance to meet, but we are forever grateful. Just to name a few: the volunteer that gave of her time to take photos of Nolan, Michael, and myself and then put some in a cute little scrapbook (I believe she does this every Weds. for parents with children in the NICU), a group of volunteers from a church that knit and sew clothes and blankets for babies that have passed away- without the outfit they made, Michael and I would not have had an outfit to dress Nolan in (we were completely caught of guard at a routine dr. appt. so we did not have anything packed for Nolan or ourselves), and the many friends and family that have cooked us dinner or just come and visit. I am so amazed at how willing people are to give of themselves to help Michael and I, even people that don't know us. I just want to thank everyone that has helped us and express my gratitude.

Instead of ending with a memory, I'd like to share some pictures of Nolan that we got last night. Some of them are to personal to share, but they are absolutely beautiful, so I'd like to post some of them. (Just tried to put in pictures and for some reason they would only go to the top of the post- so the pictures at the top are the pictures I'm talking about. If anyone is better with computers then I am, please give me advice. I can't figure out how to get the pics to go where I want them. I'm horrible with technology!)

2008-12-06T11:10:00.003-06:00

Yesterday Michael took his off Friday a week early to stay home with me. It was really nice, I think we both needed it. I spent most of Weds. by myself putting together a photo album for Nolan online. I enjoyed doing it even though some pictures made me cry. He was such a beautiful little boy. I got my haircut on Thursday. One of the things I'm struggling with is when I meet strangers, and they ask me questions about the holidays and how things are going. The hairstylist asked me how Thanksgiving was and if I was looking foward to Christmas. I really wanted to say I just had a beautiful baby boy named Nolan 3 and 1/2 weeks ago. He was absolutely perfect! He went to be with the Lord two days later. So Thanksgiving was a little tough, and He was supposed to spend his first Christmas with us this year. So no, I'm not really looking foward to Christmas. But instead I just told her Thanksgiving was good and yes, I'm excited about Christmas. I hate that I can't tell people about Nolan's birth and celebrate with them without having to explain the rest. So that was Thursday afternoon, Thursday night I was a wreck. I really thought that by now I'd be having a lot less of these moments, but no. I think Michael's learned that there's not really much that can be said that will comfort me during these times. He just reminds me that it will pass and holds me tight. I'm so thankful I have such a wise husband. It helped to go to sleep that night knowing that he would stay with me all day on Friday.
Friday morning and afternoon were good. It was nice to just spend time snuggling and playing around with Michael. Again, it always surprises me what will catch me off guard and throw me into a funk. Friday night we watched the movie "Hancock" (not the best movie-I wouldn't recommend it). There's a scene where doctors are rushing around trying to save someone. It brought back to many memories of watching the doctors rush around and try to save Nolan. I've also discovered parts of "House" bring back the same kind of memories. Everything having to do with hospitals just seems all to real now and those moments are probably the most painful memories I have. Those were the most fearful, where I can still remember dreading what might be said to us next, watching Nolan's little body be worked on and thinking that I needed to memorize every little part of him because it might be the last time I see him alive. Unfortunately all my fears came true. Anyways, those are the memories that come up when I see emergency scenes on hospital shows. So needless to say, it was hard to go to sleep last night. I just kept replaying those moments in my head.
So hopefully today I will manage to stay away from painful reminders of the last few hours of Nolan's life and be able to just remember the joyful times I held him. I hope to be able to write a blog one day that doesn't mention any pain, hurt, or crying, but that may be awhile. One thing that Michael always reminds me of that provides me great comfort is that we don't need to be sad for Nolan. He will never have to suffer or know pain. He's experiencing eternal peace. We were assured that he didn't experience any pain when his heart started to fail because he was sadated (not sure how to spell it). I'm glad that's something I didn't have to experience, seeing my son suffer.
To end, my memory of Nolan- The last time I held him he I put my finger in his little hand. He had such a strong little grip! He was so tough for being only two days old.

Work?

2008-12-04T09:20:00.004-06:00

I guess right now my biggest dilemma is when to go back to work. My bosses have been great about not pressuring me, they even set up a list of people to come and visit with me the first week after Nolan's funeral. I had thought about going back to work last Monday because Michael was going back, and I was afraid to be alone. Then I realized that simply not having Michael with me would be enough to handle with out being at work. Having time to myself has proved to be a good thing. This week I went into Nolan's nursery and spent time with God and dealing with the pain. I know it sounds strange to have my quiet time in the nursery, but it feels necessary to help confront some of the painful feelings and my hope is that the nursery will be a comforting place to be and not a painful room to go into. I know that taking this week off of work was necessary, but I don't know what to do about next week. Nolan was supposed to be born on Dec. 9, which would be next Tuesday. I'm not sure I should be at work that day, it may be a hard day. I feel as though I've been gone from work a really long time and people are probably starting to think I should be back. I just don't want to go back and than have to leave because I break down in the middle of the day, and I'm also worried about questions or comments from all my students. I've been praying about it, but would appreciate all the prayer I can get about this descision.

Nolan's story

2008-12-02T19:36:00.004-06:00

I realized that not everyone has heard the complete story of what happened to Nolan and why he passed away. Today's blog will explain.
The whole thing happened really fast. Nov. 10th (at 36 weeks) we thought everything was fine. I had high blood pressure, so my doctor put me in the hospital for observation. On Nov. 11 they noticed Nolan wasn't moving as much on the monitor, so they decided to do an ultrasound. I can still remember the look on the doctor's face as she told us they found a big mass on Nolan's brain. I think complete and total shock is the only thing that can describe my initial reaction. Then I was just completely devestated. I didn't completely understand everything. I only had one question- will he live? But I was to afraid to ask and thought I already knew the answer to that question- which I thought was no. I remember my legs shook uncontrollably for the next hour that we were still at the original hospital I was supposed to deliver at. The hospital we were at wasn't equipped to take care of Nolan after he was born, so I was transferred to another hospital so I would be able to see Nolan after the c-section. Before the c-section, we were told he most likely had a stroke that caused a bleed of some sort that would cause him to be disabled, but he would most likely survive. I was so relieved to know he would make it.
I can still hear Nolan crying at the top of his lungs as he came out. He was absolutely beautiful! Since they were concerned about him, he was quickly whisked away. Every one was really surprised when he got an apgar (not sure how to spell it) 8 and 9. I thought for sure he was going to be fine and the doctors over exagerated what was wrong. Michael had the biggest smile on his face. I don't think I've ever seen him happier or prouder. He kept running back and forth from the NICU to see Nolan and to my room to check on me.
The next morning we were hit with a big blow when the doctor came in and said they did some scans and discovered he had an AVM. She said it was likely he would go into heart failure with in 2 days to 1 week, but there was a risky procedure that could be done. We spent all weds. and thursday morning just holding Nolan and enjoying our time with him. He seemed so healthy and perfect. The doctors decided to wait until the next week for the surgery because he was doing so well. I was even told that I would get to breast feed him thursday afternoon since they weren't doing the surgery. As Michael and I were getting ready to head back to the NICU so I could breastfeed for the first time, we got a call from the nurse that he wasn't doing well. From that moment, Nolan's heart quickly starting failing. The doctors tried to stabalize him to take him to get the surgery since that was the only thing that would relieve his heart from having to work so hard (an avm makes the heart work extra hard). We were told several times that he would most likely die on the way to surgery, but they made it almost an hour into the surgery when his heart stopped. They started it again once, but were unable to start it the second time it stopped. Michael and I held his hand, prayed for him, and then watched him as the doctors stopped giving him CPR and he went to be with God on Nov. 13th.
I remember sitting in the waiting room during Nolan's surgery. I remember feeling like my heart stopped every time I saw a person in a green or white shirt pass by the window. On Sunday I told Michael that I remember thinking that I just wouldn't be able to handle it if Nolan didn't make it. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to move foward. Even though the pain and hurt are still great and my arms ache at the emptiness they feel, I have been amazed at the grace God has given us to make it through each day. In the waiting room, I couldn't have pictured what today would be like-that I would have such peace, moments that I laugh and greatly enjoy a good card game or shopping, and a stronger than ever relationship with my husband. I can't imagine what next week will look like, but God's been faithful this far, I know he will continue to be.
One memory of Nolan that always makes me laugh- The nurse put him on his belly to sleep sometimes. His legs were tucked under him, so his little bottom wiggled in the air. It was the most adorable thing to watch.

Remembering

2008-11-29T12:18:00.005-06:00

Today's blog is going to be a short one. Michael and I have been spending the last few days visiting with family. On Weds. night we got to sit down with his aunt and chat. While our situations are a little different, I know she understands what we're going through better than most. I was a little nervous before she came over because I didn't know what to expect, but it was probably one of the most enjoyable conversations I've had about Nolan since his death. Instead of focusing on the pain and what to expect in the future, we looked at his pictures and chatted about our memories. Michael's parents and grandparents were there as well, so it was nice to hear Michael's parents sharing memories they had. For a moment I felt like we stepped out of reality and just celebrated his birth. There were still conversations about his death, but they weren't as heavy as usual. That was the happiest I have gone to bed for a long time. I think it's going to be hard for others to understand, but I want to talk about Nolan. He was here, he lived, and he's my son. I know others are just trying to be sensitive and don't want to bring up any painful memories, but it is more painful to ignore what happened. I guess I'm writing this part inorder to let everyone know that when you see me, email me, or talk to me on the phone, I want you to ask me questions about Nolan. Even if I cry, it brings me joy to talk about him. Thank you for reading- it's my way of getting to share Nolan with you. I'm not done with today's post, but I will have to finish later tonight...

Blessings

2008-11-25T08:47:00.000-06:00

The last three days have felt like a roller coaster ride. Actually, I guess it's felt like that for the past two weeks. The past three days have just had more drastic drops and highs. There have been moments where I really think I've started to come out of the fog and things are getting better. Then out of nowhere there's a huge drop, and I'm back to the bottom. On Saturday Michael and I went out to eat with a friend from work. While we were there a soccer team came in and had their awards ceremony. The boys were probably around 10 or 11 years old. All of a sudden I started to wonder, "What sport would Nolan have played? What would he look like at that age?" I thank God that he gave me Michael. As I wondered about these things out loud, Michael was able to bring a moment of relief by replying, "No boy of ours would ever play soccer." Even at my lowest moments Michael can still make me laugh. I really thought things were going well yesterday. We made it through our doctors appointment (and the waiting room filled with pregnant women-thankfully our doctor got us in quickly so we didn't have to wait to long) with out me having a complete break down- I say complete break down because it was still a little rough. My doctor asked if I needed depression medication. It was at this point that I realized just truly how amazing God is. I would imagine that with out His strength, I would need it. But He has provided His grace to persevere through the suffering. I am able to get through the low times because He provides long enough moments of relief from the pain. Michael's aunt experienced a loss similar to ours. She compared the pain to experiencing contractions. The pain feels like it's never going to end. You think you can't bare it anymore, and then there's a break. A moment to catch your breath and recover. I know God is right by my side even during the pain, but I am so grateful for the breaks in between. I know I got a little side tracked here, so I'll go back to what happened yesterday. After the doctors appointment, we stopped at the funeral home and picked out Nolan's grave marker. I know this sounds strange, but that was probably the easier part of the day. I got to do something for Nolan. Michael and I got to do something for him only his parents could do. After we left the funeral home, it was time to go home for the night. We had three laundry baskets full of clean clothes that have needed to be put away for over a week now. Doing this later in the evening when I'm more emotional was probably not a good idea, but we decided to start putting our clothes away. Since these were clothes that were dirty before Nolan was born, they mainly consisted of maternity clothes. As soon as I put my first maternity shirt to the side to be put away in the closet until I need it in the future, I immediately experienced a huge drop. The rest of the laundry was put up through sobbing tears with frequent breaks where Michael just had to hold me. For the first time, I just went into Nolan's nursery and sat. I looked around the room at all the things that were meant for him that he would never wear, never sleep on, never have his diaper changed on. Michael ended up having to play with my hair on the couch last night until I fell asleep. Waking up this morning was rough as well. I seemed to still be in the funk that I was in last night. A flood of questions came circling through my mind. Questions I know can't be answered, and I'm not sure I would really want to know the answer. The one I hate the most is, "what if we had __, would he still be with us?" There's so many things that I fill that blank with. I just have to take comfort in the fact that God has a plan and no matter what we would have done, we would still have the same end. After Michael woke up, he prayed with me this morning and I came out of the fog I was in. Right now I'm experiencing my moment of relief from the pain. I thank God for these moments when I can remember what a blessing Nolan was to us and enjoy the memories I have of him.
Sunday's sermon was on being thankful for all the blessings we have. With Thanksgiving coming up, I think it's only appropriate that I write about the many blessings God has given Michael and I.
1. Salvation. Without God's wonderful gift of his son Jesus dying on the cross, I'm not sure this life would be worth living. It is through His promise to us that I find a reason to live and give my best everyday.
2. I have a husband who loves to serve and glorify God. Michael has been such a source of support and strength. He is even so humble to remind me that it is not him, but God that is really our strength during this time, but I feel truly blessed that God would give me such an amazing husband.
3. A beautiful son. What a joy it was to get to spend eight months with him in my belly and then two days getting to hold him and kiss him. He was a true miracle.
4. Parents who love us and love each other. I consider it a true blessing to have to sets of parents who still love each other and care for each other as much as they do. Michael and I have two wonderful examples of what a faithful and loving marriage looks like.
5. Brothers and sisters that love us and we enjoy being with. I love that we have siblings we enjoy being with and are willing to offer their support to us in tough times.
6. Extended family that loves us and supports us. How comforting it has been to have all our aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents let us know they were praying for us and send us uplifting messages.
7. An amazing church family. I couldn't imagine not having the support of a church family during a time like this. Our pastor stood by our side from Nolan's birth from the time we laid our son to rest in the ground.
8. Supportive friends. We have been touched by how many people have prayed for us, brought us food, and called to see how we are doing.
9. Jobs that we enjoy and have allowed us this time together to grieve for Nolan. I consider it a blessing that we were both able to have this time and not have to worry about the effect this would have on our jobs.
I think I could go on forever. God has been so good to us.
To end, I'm going to write another favorite memory of Nolan. The memory that is probably most vivid in my memory is when I was holding him and he would open his eyes and look up in my direction. He had such a sleepy look in his eyes, but he always had the sweetest look on his face. He would blink a couple of times, sometimes open just one eye so that it looked like he was winking, and then open both eyes again and stair straight up at me. Whether or not he was really looking directly at me, I'll never know. But to be able to remember what it was like to look at his beautiful eyes is something something I hope never fades from my memory.

Anger?

2008-11-21T13:54:00.000-06:00

So I was sitting here just thinking about the moment I remember finding out I was pregnant with Nolan. I think shock is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt. I was in complete disbelief that I was finally pregnant. Then I was just so excited. But God was faithful and answered our prayers for a child. As Michael and I have started down our journey, we have read and been told that it is part of the grieving process to feel angry. My question is, angry at who? I have felt some anger towards people that have said things without fully thinking them through, but I've also realized this is not the time to be petty and they're hurting too. There are times when I'm tempted to lash out at God and ask Him "Why did you take my son!", but then I realize Nolan was a precious gift. In all those months that Michael and I spent praying for a child, I read the verse over and over that said children are a gift from God. How can I get angry with God for giving me this gift? God chose to bless us with a son, even if it was for only two days, and I am so greatful for that time. There may be a time that I get angry, but for right now that is not the right word to describe the pain I feel.

Right now I simply miss him. I want to hold him, change his diaper, bath him, and do all the other things I thought I would get to do for him. I find it weird that I'm not dreaming of him when I sleep, but he is always the first thing I think of when I wake up. Sometimes I have to wake up Michael because I feel overwhelmed by the emptyness I feel in the morning, but this morning was the first morning I woke up and remembered Nolan without being overcome with pain. Yesterday I asked my pastor to pray for peace for me during the morning hours specifically and prayed for that specifically myself. How amazing God was to answer that prayer. How important it is to remember the God is the provider of peace, but how often I forget to take my pain to him and receive his peace. So if anyone needs to know how to pray for me, please pray that God gives me peace in the early morning and late at night.

In regards to the title of this web blog "Walking in the Light", Michael was reading aloud 1 John the other day and I was just listening. One of the verses he read stayed with me- "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all" 1 John 5. I know I will continue to have moments that seem darker than others, but truly the God I serve is not a God of darkness but a God of love, comfort, peace, and hope and therefore light. This verse is so comforting to me. Even through my sadness and pain, I am able to walk in the light.

I've decided to end each entry with a memory of Nolan. My favorite memory was when Nolan was crying on Weds. night. At first it upset me that I couldn't comfort my little baby, but than I started singing to him and he calmed down. I almost stopped singing when I realized the nurse was standing right behind me (there is no privacy in nicu), but I wasn't sure I'd ever get the chance to sing to him again so I kept on singing. It was just a blessing to know that I could comfort my little boy.

The Beginning

2008-11-20T21:26:00.000-06:00

So here I am, at the beginning of my grieving for Nolan when I wish I was further through the journey. I think it's hard to imagine what the next few days, weeks, and months hold in store for Michael and I. I get a little overwhelmed when I think much further than today. I worry what Christmas will be like. I thought I would have my little boy and be celebrating his first Christmas. I've decided I probably need to just not think that far ahead right. I just pray that I remember that God will give me the strength I need to make it through. He has been faithful to me this whole time. I have so many precious memories of Nolan and our two days with him. I wouldn't trade those for anything and I am just amazed at how well Nolan was during that time. He was absolutely perfect! For right now I clean to God's promise that I will see him again and that he is with Him in heaven. It brings me true joy to think that I will one day get to see Nolan again.