New toy

Last night while I was cooking dinner I heard a loud bang on the window and looked out to find Michael sitting on a riding lawn mower in our back yard. Our neighbor across the street got a new one and decided to give us his old one for free (we have very nice neighbors). Well, I decided to go out there and hop on it myself. Let me just say- I love it! I drove it around the backyard just for fun (without the blade down, so no yard mowing was being done). If you've seen our yard, you know it's not really big enough to justify a riding lawn mower, but it was free! So I'm excited. I haven't mowed the yard in two years (two years ago I mowed it to surprise Michael and he re-mowed it because it didn't look good... needless to say, that was the last time I mowed the yard), but now I think I might actually try mowing the yard again!

Update!

I thought summer time would be a lot slower than during the school year and I would have a lot more time to write, but I can't believe how busy it's been! Fun busy, but busy. In June Michael and I went to California for his friend's wedding and made a vacation out of it. I loved the cool weather! It was such a nice break from the Houston heat. For the rest of July I plan to just take it easy. I choose not to think about the fact that August is just around the corner!

I recently went on a visit to my OBGYN and found out the reason we are having trouble getting pregnant, I'm not ovulating. My doctor suggested we try Chlomid (it forces you to ovulate-I think). I'm on my first month of trying i,t and I'm very excited! We had wondered if there was something wrong with me before I got pregnant with Nolan. But than we had a wonderful surprise 2 days before we were supposed to go to the OBGYN to discuss our concerns. So it seems that I do ovulate sometimes, but not regularly, and that makes it hard to get pregnant. I spent a lot of time praying about our last appointment and definitely feel peace about our decision to use Chlomid. I did however, have no idea that you could have multiples using chlomid until about a week ago. So that kind of threw a new twist to the whole thing, but I can't lie, it would be really exciting to have multiples! Although we would be overjoyed with one!

That's the big news in our life right now. The nice thing about this medicine is that you know when things should be occuring. We've got just less than two more weeks to wait and find out. I'm trying not to stress out about it, but it seems when you intentionally try not to stress, stress is exactly what happens!!! But I've actually not be nearly as stressed as thought I might be. I know God is in control of all of this and He loves Michael and I both. And even though it's hard to see it sometimes, everything He does is for our good. So, that is the thought that keeps me going.

Weddings!

The past two weeks have been crazy busy! Michael and I went out of town last weekend to visit two of my bestest friends from Baylor! It was definitely a lot of fun to get to see them and hang out. They've been such a great support to me and I love them dearly. We didn't get around to going horseback riding this time, but I'm going to make sure it's on the agenda for next time!

The weekend before that we went to Mississippi for Michael's sister's and cousin's wedding (not to each other!) I think some used the term "wedding marathon" to describe the crazyness of that weekend. Michael's cousin got married on saturday and his sister on sunday. Michael was in both, and I was in Melissa's. Needless to say, it was event after event. But so much FUN! I love to get dressed up, so I was really enjoying it. Michael, however, does not like getting dressed up. So I don't think he liked that part very much. We both enjoyed spending time with his family that we don't get to see too much. Almost everyone was in town ( I think the idea of doing both weddings back to back was a great idea...everyone only had to make one trip!). Both weddings were absolutely beautiful.

I have a favorite moment from the whole weekend. It's a little bit selfish and really has nothing to do with the weddings, but I'm going to share it anyways. We were at a cookout on Thursday night for his cousin's wedding and we saw one of Michael's other cousins, Julie, we haven't seen for a long time. She has a 4 year old daughter, Olivia, and was trying to help her remember who we were. When Nolan had passed away, Olivia drew a picture for us of him and made a big hug out of construction paper-it was absolutely precious. So Julie tried to remind her who we were by explaining that I was Nolan's mommy. I don't think anyone has ever introduced me that way before. I don't think I could even begin to explain how happy that made me feel.

Faith

Time to update!
This morning I was preparing for my bible study at work this afternoon. We're studying a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart". I've really enjoyed it so far and feel like I have learned so much. I've always seen myself as a worry ward and never really realized that that shows a big lack of my putting my complete trust in God. This bible study has put it in real simple terms- worry/anxiety is saying that God can't (fill in the blank with whatever you're concern is). It's saying that God is not big enough to handle our problems. OUCH! It's hard to to admitt that that is what I was saying by worrying, but it's true. So, this morning I was reading a chapter on faith. I have to admitt, I wasn't really feeling extremely excited about this chapter. The last chapter was fantastic and I learned a lot. This chapter just didn't seem to really say anything I hadn't heard before. Then it started to talk about Noah. I think everyone knows about Noah. But how incredible is his faith when you really stop to think about. The book suggests that it's possible that where he lived, they may have never seen any rain. Yet there he was, building a boat for a flood. I think the concept of doing something by faith and not seeing any evidence of it for over a hundred years is a hard one to grasp. But then the book reminded me of something else I hadn't thought of. Not only was he ridiculed, but he didn't have encouragement from his fellow man. He had his trust and faith in God and that alone! The book says that living by faith for Noah meant "suffering the loneliness of being the only righteous man in town for over a century". How many times have I thought " I can do this as long as someone else helps, encourages, or does it with me".

But the part that really made me think was this, "If I can see what God is doing- how He is working everything together for good - then I don't need faith...We say we want more faith, but really what we want is sight. Sight says ' I see that it's good for me, so God must have sent it,' but faith says, 'God sent it, so it must be good for me". I would be lying if I said there weren't times when I've said- if I can just know how Nolan's death is going to work for my good, how his death is going to be used as an instrument for God's glory. But I need to trust in God that it will because it says so in His word. Not that I see evidence of it now (although I do have to admitt that I've been truly blessed becuase I have already seen God glorified through it!). There have been many people that have been an encouragement to me along the way that have lost their own child. So many times I have thought, when will the time come that I get to do that for someone else? I just have to trust that it will or mabye that even God has a different plan in mind. But he has a plan!

I think it's strange, but I have become much less of a worry ward since loosing Nolan. I attribute it to the fact that I have seen God's faithfulness through the whole thing. He's brought me through it, and I know He will continue to bring me through it. Never once did I have thoughts that things were hopeless or I had no reason to live. That is not a lie. I wouldn't say that depression didn't try to creep in. It did, it was hard, but God gave me the strength to make it through that as well. I learned to hit my knees and cling to God, to trust God that the pain would lessen and He was still with me through it all. It never lasted very long, I'm very grateful for that. The thing about faith is you have to trust God for each step with out knowing exactly what the step after that one will be. As the book says, if we knew how it was all going to turn out, what would be the point of faith? We just trust and have faith that God says He will provide for us, He loves us, and He will never leave us.

I figured I would close with a memory of Nolan today. Sunday we celebrated mother's day and yesterday was Nolan's 6 month birthday! Michael surprised me with flowers at work on Friday! What a wonderful husband!!! This memory of Nolan is of a time before he was born. It was a check up around week 30 something. The nurse was checking his heart rate, and pressing the device on my belly. Well, I guess he didn't like that because he kicked it really hard! The nurse kind of jumped back a little becuase she was able to feel it too! Such a strong boy!
(I'm going to try to start updating more often...life should start to slow down now that school is almost over-and TAKS is over!!!)

Photography!

This past weekend I practiced taking some pictures of my sister-in-law and her fiance. Thank you Melissa and Jay!!! I had so much fun doing it (I probably enjoyed the it way more than everyone else!). Here are some of the photos that I thought turned out well. I played around with the photoshop some what on some of them. (there are two pictures that are the same, just one BW and the other color. I couldn't decide which looked best)

On a side note, let me just say that God is amazing. I was starting to wonder if I was heading in the right direction with this photography thing. Lots of self doubt (I know who to thank for that-just took me a little while to see it). Yesterday I was showing a friend my pictures and was saying that it would be really nice to practice with another photographer. Last night I ended up emailing a friend of mine, that is a wonderful professional photographer, and I asked her a question about autofocus vs. manual. Shortly after that I got on my knees and asked God to give me guidance as to whether or not to keep going with photography. Well, I was so excited this morning when I got online and saw a reply from my friend (the photographer). She had answered my question and then asked me if I wanted to get together and practice! This may seem small, but I have no doubt that was a direct answer to prayer. I hadn't mentioned getting together in the email, but felt like that was the very thing I really need to go further with getting better at taking pictures. Needless to say, I'm still amazed.

Nolan's tree!!!

Nolan's tree is blooming!!! I'm so excited! I had really started to think that it wasn't going to bloom (our neighbor has the same tree and it had been blooming for a couple weeks) and that we had planted it to soon. I can't tell you how sad that made me. So yes, this is an answer to prayer! Michael went out to get Colby this morning and called me to come out to look at something. Lately Colby has been finding strange (like a stuffed carrot!) toys and bringing them back to our patio with him. So I thought Michael wanted me to see yet another toy Colby had found. It was much better than that! His tree is absolutely beautiful! We were already running late to get somewhere, so I took some quick pictures of it this morning. I played with my new editing software and below are the photos!!!

Lately I've been having hard time finding time to sit down and write. I have all these thoughts jumping around in my head that are ready to come out. I don't have time to write them all down today, so I figured I'd start with the most significant one for me right now.

I actually kept up with the ovulation kit this month and learned that yes, I am ovulating each month! So that is a relief since I am now so irregular (Jarrett-sorry if this is to much to learn about your sister!) I had started to worry I wasn't ovulating. I prayed for peace as we waited for two weeks that I would not be in a rush to take a pregnancy test. I'm thankful I didn't because we discovered last night that I'm not pregnant this month. I think that's an important lesson I learned from last month that it's better to wait until you're sure your period has passed b/c negative pregnancy tests are a disappointment every time. I'd rather just feel that way once instead.

To be honest though, the ovulation kit is to much stress. I've decided to give it up. When I'm doing the kit everyday that's all I can think about. Then after I know I've ovulated, getting to the end of the next 2 weeks is all I can think about. I've had many people say to me, just relax, let it happen when it happens and don't stress about it. As hard as that is, that's what I'm going to do. I REFUSE to get jealous, angry, and stressed about this. I'm not saying that I won't continue to be sad about it from time to time, but ultimately this is in God's hands and I have to trust what He's doing. I know I can't stay away from those 3 things on my own. Every day it's a battle and something I have to give up to God. I could definitely use pray in this area!

At the church Michael and I go to we are the only married couple (that I know of- I may not be remembering everyone) without kids at home or grown. Fortunately, everyone at our church is wonderful. We're not made to be outcasts and we're never excluded (at least that I know of! haha) because we don't have children to bring to functions. Michael and I have made several close friends (couple friends too!) and we love hanging out with them and their kiddos. I think it's actually been somewhat helpful.

One thing lately that I've been having a hard time with are comments people make about Michael and I not having any children. I know people aren't meaning to be mean by them, and I bet people probably feel bad after they've said it because they didn't even realizing what they were saying. I'm never mad at a person for saying these comments (such as- when you have children you'll understand, when you're a mother you'll ...). I guess the reason it bothers me so much is that I feel like Nolan is completely forgotten about. I know the meaning behind the comment is that we didn't get the chance to raise him so in that sense I don't understand that part of being a mother or having a child, but I've already had a child and been a mother! It just hurts a little everytime something like that is said. Those types of comments are starting to come around more often, maybe because more time has passed. I hate the idea of people walking on eggshells around us and having to watch everything they say, but it hurts to hear it. Nolan is still our child even though he's in heaven. I think that's something I'm just going to have to get used to it.

Alright, this post has gone on long enough. Hopefully I'll have more time to write tomorrow. Like I said, I have a lot of stuff tumbling around inside my head that is ready to come out... I just don't seem to have the time to write it all down! I haven't ended with a memory of Nolan in a long time and I think this is one I've never shared but for some reason have been thinking about a lot lately. Nolan right little arm and hand were rapped up with a soft cloth so that he wouldn't hurt himself with his IV. When he was squirming around a lot, he would bump the wrapped up hand on his face, and he would make the cutest little annoyed face. He never really cried about it, but he definitely did not like it. Strange memory, I know. But I remember it really vividly because I kept trying to move his little hand out of the way so he wouldn't do it again, but he insisted on keeping it right there!