So I was sitting here just thinking about the moment I remember finding out I was pregnant with Nolan. I think shock is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt. I was in complete disbelief that I was finally pregnant. Then I was just so excited. But God was faithful and answered our prayers for a child. As Michael and I have started down our journey, we have read and been told that it is part of the grieving process to feel angry. My question is, angry at who? I have felt some anger towards people that have said things without fully thinking them through, but I've also realized this is not the time to be petty and they're hurting too. There are times when I'm tempted to lash out at God and ask Him "Why did you take my son!", but then I realize Nolan was a precious gift. In all those months that Michael and I spent praying for a child, I read the verse over and over that said children are a gift from God. How can I get angry with God for giving me this gift? God chose to bless us with a son, even if it was for only two days, and I am so greatful for that time. There may be a time that I get angry, but for right now that is not the right word to describe the pain I feel.
Right now I simply miss him. I want to hold him, change his diaper, bath him, and do all the other things I thought I would get to do for him. I find it weird that I'm not dreaming of him when I sleep, but he is always the first thing I think of when I wake up. Sometimes I have to wake up Michael because I feel overwhelmed by the emptyness I feel in the morning, but this morning was the first morning I woke up and remembered Nolan without being overcome with pain. Yesterday I asked my pastor to pray for peace for me during the morning hours specifically and prayed for that specifically myself. How amazing God was to answer that prayer. How important it is to remember the God is the provider of peace, but how often I forget to take my pain to him and receive his peace. So if anyone needs to know how to pray for me, please pray that God gives me peace in the early morning and late at night.
In regards to the title of this web blog "Walking in the Light", Michael was reading aloud 1 John the other day and I was just listening. One of the verses he read stayed with me- "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all" 1 John 5. I know I will continue to have moments that seem darker than others, but truly the God I serve is not a God of darkness but a God of love, comfort, peace, and hope and therefore light. This verse is so comforting to me. Even through my sadness and pain, I am able to walk in the light.
I've decided to end each entry with a memory of Nolan. My favorite memory was when Nolan was crying on Weds. night. At first it upset me that I couldn't comfort my little baby, but than I started singing to him and he calmed down. I almost stopped singing when I realized the nurse was standing right behind me (there is no privacy in nicu), but I wasn't sure I'd ever get the chance to sing to him again so I kept on singing. It was just a blessing to know that I could comfort my little boy.
5 comments:
Davra, I just want you to know that I have been thinking of you and praying for you both every day! I know I will never ever fully know how you feel, but I know that God does, so I am constantly remembering you in prayer and asking him to give you his peace. I don't know if you have already checked out Angie Smith's blog, but I encourage you to read her story because she went through a terrible loss of her baby girl earlier this year and I think you would really relate to her. The link is www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com.
What a great idea.
this is allison king.
so glad you made a blog! we never talk anymore, but i haven't stopped praying for you since we graduated high school. that's the truth! so this blog will give me specific things to pray for, and i'm excited about that. so i'll definately be praying for the peace you need in the morning and late at night.
also, that's a great memory for you to have with nolan. especially since i remember you having such a beautiful voice...that's the perfect thing for you to share with him.
Davra, this is Jen. I think it's such a blessing that you have begun sharing your thoughts and feelings through blogging. I've always found it easier to write about things than speak about them. I just want you to know how much of a difference you're making to those that read your blog and I truly admire your faith and admire how you are shining God's light through this painful experience. In the midst of heartache, pain, and suffering, you continue to give glory to God and share your faith with others, and that's more than most people could ever do. Cherish those special moments you and Michael were able to share with precious Nolan, and you will always have him near your heart. We give you our love, prayers, and constant support, so please don't hesitate to let us know if you need anything. In our prayers, Jennifer & Paul
I will continue to pray for you, and especially at the most critical times. You two are so wise to lean on God right now, because He will get you through it. Thank you for starting this blog so that you can be a shining example for others on how to stand on your faith through difficult times. I love you both and are so glad you are coming to Thanksgiving here!
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