Today

Today seemed to be the day of bad news. An hour into school I realized that my cycle had started. I was surprised at how much peace I felt and was able to go on with the rest of my day with out too much distraction. I made an appointment for Friday with my doctor and was ready to move on to the next stage of "treatment", feeling very hopeful for next month. I started to feel a little exhausted right before Michael picked me, and when I get tired, I tend to be more emotional. So I reminded myself that I was not going to cry this month and started to look at the calendar and counted out how many days until the end of the next cycle (I know this sounds crazy, but I'd imagine it's fairly common among those going through infertility). As I was doing this, I received a phone call from our fertility specialist. I was pretty sure he was just calling to talk about the appointment on Friday, I completely forgot about the genetic blood testing I had done last week. Not sure why we decided to do the testing. I was against it when I was pregnant with Nolan. Our new doctor made it sound like everyone does it (since that's a good reason to do something) and that there was really not a good reason not to. So we agreed for me to get blood work done for cystic fibrosis. I can honestly say that I was 100% expecting to hear that neither of us carried the cf gene. Well, I it turns out that I am a carrier for the most common mutation of the cf gene. As long as Michael is not a carrier, this poses no problem. Both parents have to be a carrier for it to show up in a child. Now Michael has to go have blood work done tomorrow and we'll find out in a week or two if he is also a carrier. The chance of both of us carrying the gene is 1 in 800. So it's pretty slim, however, if we do both carry the gene, it's a 1 out of 4 chance that our child would be born with cystic fibrosis. But again, the possibility of Michael having the gene as well is pretty small. Unfortunately, my doctor has decided to wait until we have the results of Michael's test to continue with our fertility treatment. So he cancelled my appointment on Friday and told me that we should be using "precautions" to not get pregnant until we have the results-He won't prescribe me chlomid until we have the results. He then continued to say that if we we're both carries that he would recommend IVF so he could test each embryo and not use any that are carrying the gene. Well, that's not an option for us. We've already decided that we will not be "throwing out" any embryos. So we would start looking more seriously into other options .

Hopefully this long rambling mess can help you know how to pray for us. Right now the biggest thing is that Michael is not a carrier for the cf gene. Also that God will give us peace while we wait. For right now we have decided to go against the doctor's orders and we are not using any precautions or doing anything to prevent getting pregnant. If Michael is not a carrier, we will be resuming fertility treatment like normal since the possibility of our child having cf is pretty much 0.

I know I may be jumping the gun by thinking about what our future looks like if we are both carries since that possibility is really low, but I can't help but let my mind wander there. Every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I'm reminded of one very important thing- I'm forgetting to live with an eternal perspective. It's very easy to begin to feel like the world is beginning to crash in on me. For the past year things have not been going how I have hoped or planned- all starting with loosing Nolan. It's the first time my life had ever really deviated from MY plan. But God is giving me an opportunity to grow closer to Him through perseverance through this trial. I'm learning to trust in Him regardless of the circumstances. I'll admit, I've asked Him many, many questions recently. Some have been answered, and some have not been and may never be here on earth. Like Job, I have even asked why it seems like everyone around us seems to be being blessed except us. Then God reminds me just how blessed Michael and I are. A couple of times, I had even started to feel myself becoming angry. But I thank God that he has taken the anger away. It's such a horrible place to be. I guess it's easier than facing hurt and sadness. For some reason I think anger takes away some of the feelings of vulnerability that infertility creates. Still, I am so glad that God has delivered me from that. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not praying for this trial to be over- that there be a different way for God to be glorified through our lives and marriage, because I definitely am. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But as long as this is the path God has us on, than we will continue to glorify Him until the end of it. So, to end, I'm going to post song lyrics again. Sometimes I think they can better convey what I'm feeling and trying to say better than I can myself. Thank you for your prayers. We are very grateful for them.
"The pathway is broken And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to"
Ginny Owens