Today

Today seemed to be the day of bad news. An hour into school I realized that my cycle had started. I was surprised at how much peace I felt and was able to go on with the rest of my day with out too much distraction. I made an appointment for Friday with my doctor and was ready to move on to the next stage of "treatment", feeling very hopeful for next month. I started to feel a little exhausted right before Michael picked me, and when I get tired, I tend to be more emotional. So I reminded myself that I was not going to cry this month and started to look at the calendar and counted out how many days until the end of the next cycle (I know this sounds crazy, but I'd imagine it's fairly common among those going through infertility). As I was doing this, I received a phone call from our fertility specialist. I was pretty sure he was just calling to talk about the appointment on Friday, I completely forgot about the genetic blood testing I had done last week. Not sure why we decided to do the testing. I was against it when I was pregnant with Nolan. Our new doctor made it sound like everyone does it (since that's a good reason to do something) and that there was really not a good reason not to. So we agreed for me to get blood work done for cystic fibrosis. I can honestly say that I was 100% expecting to hear that neither of us carried the cf gene. Well, I it turns out that I am a carrier for the most common mutation of the cf gene. As long as Michael is not a carrier, this poses no problem. Both parents have to be a carrier for it to show up in a child. Now Michael has to go have blood work done tomorrow and we'll find out in a week or two if he is also a carrier. The chance of both of us carrying the gene is 1 in 800. So it's pretty slim, however, if we do both carry the gene, it's a 1 out of 4 chance that our child would be born with cystic fibrosis. But again, the possibility of Michael having the gene as well is pretty small. Unfortunately, my doctor has decided to wait until we have the results of Michael's test to continue with our fertility treatment. So he cancelled my appointment on Friday and told me that we should be using "precautions" to not get pregnant until we have the results-He won't prescribe me chlomid until we have the results. He then continued to say that if we we're both carries that he would recommend IVF so he could test each embryo and not use any that are carrying the gene. Well, that's not an option for us. We've already decided that we will not be "throwing out" any embryos. So we would start looking more seriously into other options .

Hopefully this long rambling mess can help you know how to pray for us. Right now the biggest thing is that Michael is not a carrier for the cf gene. Also that God will give us peace while we wait. For right now we have decided to go against the doctor's orders and we are not using any precautions or doing anything to prevent getting pregnant. If Michael is not a carrier, we will be resuming fertility treatment like normal since the possibility of our child having cf is pretty much 0.

I know I may be jumping the gun by thinking about what our future looks like if we are both carries since that possibility is really low, but I can't help but let my mind wander there. Every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I'm reminded of one very important thing- I'm forgetting to live with an eternal perspective. It's very easy to begin to feel like the world is beginning to crash in on me. For the past year things have not been going how I have hoped or planned- all starting with loosing Nolan. It's the first time my life had ever really deviated from MY plan. But God is giving me an opportunity to grow closer to Him through perseverance through this trial. I'm learning to trust in Him regardless of the circumstances. I'll admit, I've asked Him many, many questions recently. Some have been answered, and some have not been and may never be here on earth. Like Job, I have even asked why it seems like everyone around us seems to be being blessed except us. Then God reminds me just how blessed Michael and I are. A couple of times, I had even started to feel myself becoming angry. But I thank God that he has taken the anger away. It's such a horrible place to be. I guess it's easier than facing hurt and sadness. For some reason I think anger takes away some of the feelings of vulnerability that infertility creates. Still, I am so glad that God has delivered me from that. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not praying for this trial to be over- that there be a different way for God to be glorified through our lives and marriage, because I definitely am. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But as long as this is the path God has us on, than we will continue to glorify Him until the end of it. So, to end, I'm going to post song lyrics again. Sometimes I think they can better convey what I'm feeling and trying to say better than I can myself. Thank you for your prayers. We are very grateful for them.
"The pathway is broken And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to
Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to"
Ginny Owens

Our Lives this month!

I hope everyone has had a great Labor Day weekend! Michael and I decided to take off and go to San Antonio! We had a blast. We decided not to set an agenda for the weekend. We just had a list of things that would be fun to do. If you ever go to San Antonio, I highly recommend going to the Natural Bridge Caverns. They were really beautiful. However, I did not get any pictures due to the fact that I left my camera at home!!! Every time we saw something that looked cool, I felt the need to make the comment that it would make a really great picture if I had brought my camera. Even without my camera I still really enjoyed it, and now I have an excuse to go back! Yesterday we went to Max Lucado's church. Great message and he's such a great speaker. Again, if you go to San Antonio on a weekend, it's definitely worth going to his church.

I have officially started to plan for Nolan's 1 year birthday party. I'm not really sure what an appropriate title for it is yet. We're hoping it's also going to coincide with the playground dedication at church that's being done in memory of him. So, if you have a good name for the party that I could put on the invitations, let me know!

This month Michael and I saw a fertility specialist for the first time. He said that everything looks good!! Right now we're just waiting. So if you could please pray that we would not be anxious. I truly believe that God is going to bless Michael and I with children, I just don't know when or how, but I do believe it will happen!

Another Month

Can't believe I let another month slip by without updating. What a month it has been! Michael and I really enjoyed spending some time with both our families. And I enjoyed my last month to relax! I'm back at work now and somewhat excited/overwhelmed about this year. I'm taking on a brand new math position, so there is no system set up yet. I'm excited about the challenge to help create a new program, but also a little nervous. Right now I keep staring at my room and hoping it will magically organize its self and look fabulous by Friday. Michael is being a wonderful husband and volunteering his entire Friday to come help me set up my room!
We are having to do another round of chlomid. I guess I thought that since I had gotten pregnant with Nolan without any medication that I was going to be pregnant the first month I was on chlomid. Now we're on month 3 of chlomid. I just don't understand. My doctor said I had good ovulation last month so I really got my hopes up. But, I do have to remember that it is great news that I did ovulate...a step in the right direction. So we are continuing to try, and we are putting our trust in God's timing- even if we don't understand it. A difficult thing that I've been learning is to praise God even when I'm having a hard time. As corny as this may be, there's a song that I absolutely love that talks about this...
"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
Casting Crowns

Yesterday

Yesterday turned out to be a fairly eventful day for Michael and I. It started out completely normal. We went to church and enjoyed a lunch put on by the youth. Then we went home, relaxed, and decided to buy a new vacuum cleaner. For some reason, Michael and I seem to have trouble with vacuum cleaners. They stop working correctly within a years time. So, we decided to get the Mac Daddy of vacuum cleaners...we got an Oreck!!! After we made our exciting purchase, we were headed to go play cards, but I wanted to stop and buy batteries for my new flash. As we started to turn into the CVS off of the beltway, I suddenly heard a screech and then we got hit. This is my first official accident that I have ever been in. We quickly pulled over to the side in the parking lot and hopped out. It felt like we had been hit pretty hard, but our car had a surprisingly small amount of damage (but since the tail pipe was bent, it had to be towed). The lady that hit us had a significant amount of damage to her front end, but thankfully no one was hurt. Everything went a lot smoother than I thought it would. The police officer showed up, asked what happened, checked everyone's information, and then sent us on our way. Everyone was extremely nice and no one was upset with anyone. The whole process wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Now we'll see if dealing with the insurance companies is as easy!

Two weeks ago, I practiced my picture taking on my dear friend Katy and her family. Her two kiddos are absolutely precious! I feel the need to mention that it was incredibly hot when we took these pictures. I think I was dripping with sweat about 5 minutes into the photo session. I have no idea how they managed to stay looking so beautiful in the heat, but they did. Thank you Katy! I enjoyed it so much!!

This is probably my favorite picture!

So sweet!

I love Jonah's smile in this picture!

Again, I love Jonah's smile in this picture. Next time I'll make sure that the sun is not in everyone's faces- sorry Dennis!

Today

Whether or not it is a good idea for me to be writing this post right now, I'm not sure. It's late (at least what Michael and I consider late), and it's been a long day. So, I'm extra tried and emotional. This morning I woke up and not much to my surprise, I discovered that no, I am not pregnant. I've realized that I can tell the day before by several indicators. One major one (a development since having Nolan) is a major headache. Last night I definitely had a headache but tried to convince myself that it wasn't one. Since I was already running behind when I woke up this morning, I didn't have much time to talk about it with Michael or be comforted by Michael before I had to leave for a conference. On top of that my cell phone was dying, so any time that I had a break between seminars, I couldn't call and talk to Michael. Then I made the mistake of skipping lunch so that I could attend more seminars. If you know me at all, when I don't eat regularly I get absurdly emotional. So there I was today, sitting in the seminars, ready to burst into tears. Yesterday I attend a seminar by Kim Sutton(if you're reading this and you teach math...she's terrific-attend a conference by her if you get a chance!). Today I attended another one by her. Well, my emotional status had changed between those two times. I learned so much in the first seminar, and I can barely remember a thing I heard (more like should of heard but didn't) today. Perhaps this is because I chose to invite my 6 month something pregnant friend to come sit by me and she kept feeling her stomach during the seminar. Normally this wouldn't bother me as much as it did today. Each time she felt her belly, I thought- she must be feeling her little boy kick. That thought led to remembering how much I enjoyed feeling Nolan kick, which led to missing Nolan and wondering how long I'd have to wait to feel that again- if ever. After that seminar, I should have just left. But I carpooled with a friend, so that wasn't an option. The next two seminars were great, but again I was lost in my head somewhere and probably would have benefited a lot more had I been concentrating on the presentation. The last seminar was horrible and I wouldn't have learned anything even if I had given the presenter my full attention, and it was finished 30 minutes ahead of time. So I decided to go explore the exhibits while I waited for my friend to meet me when she was finished. Keep in mind I'm very emotional at this point. I walked up to a booth that had some really neat materials to buy. The first lady that was there was really nice and friendly. Than I went to the lady next to her. I'm not really sure why, but this lady seemed to have it out for me. She had a free packet with some materials that she was handing out, which we all know is the only reason anyone was over there. I got to her table as she was finishing her demonstration and handing out the free packets. She had one more in her hand so I said that I would like one (very politely at that). Maybe me saying that is what made her mad, I don't know. But she quickly snapped at me and said, you have to watch a demonstration before I give you one. I didn't think to much of this and simply said okay. She started the demonstration and said that everyone needed to try it. I was not standing all that close, but assisted another person with their turn verbally. I guess this was not good enough because the lady called out my name (we had name tags) and said I had to take a turn. (I should perhaps point out that out of a group of people, I was the only one she singled out and called out by name to take a turn). As soon as I finished my turn she ended the demo and handed out the packets. She thanked everyone for coming as she handed them the packet except for me. But the thing that really got me was that some one walked up after she finished the demo and she gave them a free packet too! I thought to myself, not only did you refuse to give me a packet before I watched an entire demo (b/c I caught the tail end of the first one), but you insisted that I participate and singled me out. Had I not already been in such an emotional state already, this most likely would not have phased me, but man I was steaming afterwards. I had a few more minutes to kill so I went and somewhat soothed my anger by buying 2 math teacher shirts. They're really cute. One says "I love problem solving! Math Teacher" and the other says "Math" on the front and " Learn it, know it, show it" on the back. I'm very excited because we get to wear teacher t-shirts every Friday to school. To be honest, I like them so much I might even wear them places other than school! (much to Michael's and my brother's disapproval). After I bought my shirts it was time to go. Thankfully. Michael got home shortly after I did, and I told him all about the lady. Well, this once again flared my anger ( I should have known better than to talk about it again) and I spent maybe the next 15 minutes coming up with things I should have said to that lady to "put her in her place". Michael noticed I was really quiet and asked if I was still thinking about the lady. He knows me so well. I do have to say, I came up with some pretty clever things to say, Michael even agreed they were pretty good! But I'm over it now, really, I promise. I still hadn't eaten dinner at that point, so we quickly made something to eat, and my ability to be rational returned to me once again. I really thought the emotional ups and downs of my day were over, but for some reason I got the strong urge to go into Nolan's nursery a few hours after dinner. Lately when I've gone in the nursery, it hasn't been an emotional thing. But tonight I sobbed (because crying can't adequately describe it) as I went through all his things. I can't even remember the last time I did that. I can't say that I enjoyed it, because it hurt. I once heard someone say that the pain comes less frequently as time passes, but it hurts just as badly when it does come as it did in the beginning. I really thought that the really painful moments were starting to come to an end, but tonight I felt a depth of pain I had not felt in a while. That deep deep longing to hold Nolan in my arms returned with great strength. I hope I'm not confusing anyone by saying that, I always wish to hold him again, but I could actually feel an emptiness in my arms again I hadn't felt for a very long time. I also had the sudden realization tonight that almost all the clothes I had bought him would most likely be outgrown by now. That seems like such an insignificant detail, but it just made me think about how big he'd be by now. As I was looking at all of his stuff laying around, I also realized it's probably time to clean up the nursery and put things away. I haven't even attempted it yet. So, I'm putting that on the list of things to get accomplished for next week. We'll see if it gets done. I'm hoping tomorrow goes a little bit smoother than today. Who knows, maybe I'll even give that lady and her demonstrations another try.

New toy

Last night while I was cooking dinner I heard a loud bang on the window and looked out to find Michael sitting on a riding lawn mower in our back yard. Our neighbor across the street got a new one and decided to give us his old one for free (we have very nice neighbors). Well, I decided to go out there and hop on it myself. Let me just say- I love it! I drove it around the backyard just for fun (without the blade down, so no yard mowing was being done). If you've seen our yard, you know it's not really big enough to justify a riding lawn mower, but it was free! So I'm excited. I haven't mowed the yard in two years (two years ago I mowed it to surprise Michael and he re-mowed it because it didn't look good... needless to say, that was the last time I mowed the yard), but now I think I might actually try mowing the yard again!

Update!

I thought summer time would be a lot slower than during the school year and I would have a lot more time to write, but I can't believe how busy it's been! Fun busy, but busy. In June Michael and I went to California for his friend's wedding and made a vacation out of it. I loved the cool weather! It was such a nice break from the Houston heat. For the rest of July I plan to just take it easy. I choose not to think about the fact that August is just around the corner!

I recently went on a visit to my OBGYN and found out the reason we are having trouble getting pregnant, I'm not ovulating. My doctor suggested we try Chlomid (it forces you to ovulate-I think). I'm on my first month of trying i,t and I'm very excited! We had wondered if there was something wrong with me before I got pregnant with Nolan. But than we had a wonderful surprise 2 days before we were supposed to go to the OBGYN to discuss our concerns. So it seems that I do ovulate sometimes, but not regularly, and that makes it hard to get pregnant. I spent a lot of time praying about our last appointment and definitely feel peace about our decision to use Chlomid. I did however, have no idea that you could have multiples using chlomid until about a week ago. So that kind of threw a new twist to the whole thing, but I can't lie, it would be really exciting to have multiples! Although we would be overjoyed with one!

That's the big news in our life right now. The nice thing about this medicine is that you know when things should be occuring. We've got just less than two more weeks to wait and find out. I'm trying not to stress out about it, but it seems when you intentionally try not to stress, stress is exactly what happens!!! But I've actually not be nearly as stressed as thought I might be. I know God is in control of all of this and He loves Michael and I both. And even though it's hard to see it sometimes, everything He does is for our good. So, that is the thought that keeps me going.