Remembering

Today's blog is going to be a short one. Michael and I have been spending the last few days visiting with family. On Weds. night we got to sit down with his aunt and chat. While our situations are a little different, I know she understands what we're going through better than most. I was a little nervous before she came over because I didn't know what to expect, but it was probably one of the most enjoyable conversations I've had about Nolan since his death. Instead of focusing on the pain and what to expect in the future, we looked at his pictures and chatted about our memories. Michael's parents and grandparents were there as well, so it was nice to hear Michael's parents sharing memories they had. For a moment I felt like we stepped out of reality and just celebrated his birth. There were still conversations about his death, but they weren't as heavy as usual. That was the happiest I have gone to bed for a long time. I think it's going to be hard for others to understand, but I want to talk about Nolan. He was here, he lived, and he's my son. I know others are just trying to be sensitive and don't want to bring up any painful memories, but it is more painful to ignore what happened. I guess I'm writing this part inorder to let everyone know that when you see me, email me, or talk to me on the phone, I want you to ask me questions about Nolan. Even if I cry, it brings me joy to talk about him. Thank you for reading- it's my way of getting to share Nolan with you. I'm not done with today's post, but I will have to finish later tonight...

Blessings

The last three days have felt like a roller coaster ride. Actually, I guess it's felt like that for the past two weeks. The past three days have just had more drastic drops and highs. There have been moments where I really think I've started to come out of the fog and things are getting better. Then out of nowhere there's a huge drop, and I'm back to the bottom. On Saturday Michael and I went out to eat with a friend from work. While we were there a soccer team came in and had their awards ceremony. The boys were probably around 10 or 11 years old. All of a sudden I started to wonder, "What sport would Nolan have played? What would he look like at that age?" I thank God that he gave me Michael. As I wondered about these things out loud, Michael was able to bring a moment of relief by replying, "No boy of ours would ever play soccer." Even at my lowest moments Michael can still make me laugh. I really thought things were going well yesterday. We made it through our doctors appointment (and the waiting room filled with pregnant women-thankfully our doctor got us in quickly so we didn't have to wait to long) with out me having a complete break down- I say complete break down because it was still a little rough. My doctor asked if I needed depression medication. It was at this point that I realized just truly how amazing God is. I would imagine that with out His strength, I would need it. But He has provided His grace to persevere through the suffering. I am able to get through the low times because He provides long enough moments of relief from the pain. Michael's aunt experienced a loss similar to ours. She compared the pain to experiencing contractions. The pain feels like it's never going to end. You think you can't bare it anymore, and then there's a break. A moment to catch your breath and recover. I know God is right by my side even during the pain, but I am so grateful for the breaks in between. I know I got a little side tracked here, so I'll go back to what happened yesterday. After the doctors appointment, we stopped at the funeral home and picked out Nolan's grave marker. I know this sounds strange, but that was probably the easier part of the day. I got to do something for Nolan. Michael and I got to do something for him only his parents could do. After we left the funeral home, it was time to go home for the night. We had three laundry baskets full of clean clothes that have needed to be put away for over a week now. Doing this later in the evening when I'm more emotional was probably not a good idea, but we decided to start putting our clothes away. Since these were clothes that were dirty before Nolan was born, they mainly consisted of maternity clothes. As soon as I put my first maternity shirt to the side to be put away in the closet until I need it in the future, I immediately experienced a huge drop. The rest of the laundry was put up through sobbing tears with frequent breaks where Michael just had to hold me. For the first time, I just went into Nolan's nursery and sat. I looked around the room at all the things that were meant for him that he would never wear, never sleep on, never have his diaper changed on. Michael ended up having to play with my hair on the couch last night until I fell asleep. Waking up this morning was rough as well. I seemed to still be in the funk that I was in last night. A flood of questions came circling through my mind. Questions I know can't be answered, and I'm not sure I would really want to know the answer. The one I hate the most is, "what if we had __, would he still be with us?" There's so many things that I fill that blank with. I just have to take comfort in the fact that God has a plan and no matter what we would have done, we would still have the same end. After Michael woke up, he prayed with me this morning and I came out of the fog I was in. Right now I'm experiencing my moment of relief from the pain. I thank God for these moments when I can remember what a blessing Nolan was to us and enjoy the memories I have of him.
Sunday's sermon was on being thankful for all the blessings we have. With Thanksgiving coming up, I think it's only appropriate that I write about the many blessings God has given Michael and I.
1. Salvation. Without God's wonderful gift of his son Jesus dying on the cross, I'm not sure this life would be worth living. It is through His promise to us that I find a reason to live and give my best everyday.
2. I have a husband who loves to serve and glorify God. Michael has been such a source of support and strength. He is even so humble to remind me that it is not him, but God that is really our strength during this time, but I feel truly blessed that God would give me such an amazing husband.
3. A beautiful son. What a joy it was to get to spend eight months with him in my belly and then two days getting to hold him and kiss him. He was a true miracle.
4. Parents who love us and love each other. I consider it a true blessing to have to sets of parents who still love each other and care for each other as much as they do. Michael and I have two wonderful examples of what a faithful and loving marriage looks like.
5. Brothers and sisters that love us and we enjoy being with. I love that we have siblings we enjoy being with and are willing to offer their support to us in tough times.
6. Extended family that loves us and supports us. How comforting it has been to have all our aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents let us know they were praying for us and send us uplifting messages.
7. An amazing church family. I couldn't imagine not having the support of a church family during a time like this. Our pastor stood by our side from Nolan's birth from the time we laid our son to rest in the ground.
8. Supportive friends. We have been touched by how many people have prayed for us, brought us food, and called to see how we are doing.
9. Jobs that we enjoy and have allowed us this time together to grieve for Nolan. I consider it a blessing that we were both able to have this time and not have to worry about the effect this would have on our jobs.
I think I could go on forever. God has been so good to us.
To end, I'm going to write another favorite memory of Nolan. The memory that is probably most vivid in my memory is when I was holding him and he would open his eyes and look up in my direction. He had such a sleepy look in his eyes, but he always had the sweetest look on his face. He would blink a couple of times, sometimes open just one eye so that it looked like he was winking, and then open both eyes again and stair straight up at me. Whether or not he was really looking directly at me, I'll never know. But to be able to remember what it was like to look at his beautiful eyes is something something I hope never fades from my memory.

Anger?

So I was sitting here just thinking about the moment I remember finding out I was pregnant with Nolan. I think shock is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt. I was in complete disbelief that I was finally pregnant. Then I was just so excited. But God was faithful and answered our prayers for a child. As Michael and I have started down our journey, we have read and been told that it is part of the grieving process to feel angry. My question is, angry at who? I have felt some anger towards people that have said things without fully thinking them through, but I've also realized this is not the time to be petty and they're hurting too. There are times when I'm tempted to lash out at God and ask Him "Why did you take my son!", but then I realize Nolan was a precious gift. In all those months that Michael and I spent praying for a child, I read the verse over and over that said children are a gift from God. How can I get angry with God for giving me this gift? God chose to bless us with a son, even if it was for only two days, and I am so greatful for that time. There may be a time that I get angry, but for right now that is not the right word to describe the pain I feel.

Right now I simply miss him. I want to hold him, change his diaper, bath him, and do all the other things I thought I would get to do for him. I find it weird that I'm not dreaming of him when I sleep, but he is always the first thing I think of when I wake up. Sometimes I have to wake up Michael because I feel overwhelmed by the emptyness I feel in the morning, but this morning was the first morning I woke up and remembered Nolan without being overcome with pain. Yesterday I asked my pastor to pray for peace for me during the morning hours specifically and prayed for that specifically myself. How amazing God was to answer that prayer. How important it is to remember the God is the provider of peace, but how often I forget to take my pain to him and receive his peace. So if anyone needs to know how to pray for me, please pray that God gives me peace in the early morning and late at night.

In regards to the title of this web blog "Walking in the Light", Michael was reading aloud 1 John the other day and I was just listening. One of the verses he read stayed with me- "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all" 1 John 5. I know I will continue to have moments that seem darker than others, but truly the God I serve is not a God of darkness but a God of love, comfort, peace, and hope and therefore light. This verse is so comforting to me. Even through my sadness and pain, I am able to walk in the light.

I've decided to end each entry with a memory of Nolan. My favorite memory was when Nolan was crying on Weds. night. At first it upset me that I couldn't comfort my little baby, but than I started singing to him and he calmed down. I almost stopped singing when I realized the nurse was standing right behind me (there is no privacy in nicu), but I wasn't sure I'd ever get the chance to sing to him again so I kept on singing. It was just a blessing to know that I could comfort my little boy.

The Beginning

So here I am, at the beginning of my grieving for Nolan when I wish I was further through the journey. I think it's hard to imagine what the next few days, weeks, and months hold in store for Michael and I. I get a little overwhelmed when I think much further than today. I worry what Christmas will be like. I thought I would have my little boy and be celebrating his first Christmas. I've decided I probably need to just not think that far ahead right. I just pray that I remember that God will give me the strength I need to make it through. He has been faithful to me this whole time. I have so many precious memories of Nolan and our two days with him. I wouldn't trade those for anything and I am just amazed at how well Nolan was during that time. He was absolutely perfect! For right now I clean to God's promise that I will see him again and that he is with Him in heaven. It brings me true joy to think that I will one day get to see Nolan again.