Blessings

The last three days have felt like a roller coaster ride. Actually, I guess it's felt like that for the past two weeks. The past three days have just had more drastic drops and highs. There have been moments where I really think I've started to come out of the fog and things are getting better. Then out of nowhere there's a huge drop, and I'm back to the bottom. On Saturday Michael and I went out to eat with a friend from work. While we were there a soccer team came in and had their awards ceremony. The boys were probably around 10 or 11 years old. All of a sudden I started to wonder, "What sport would Nolan have played? What would he look like at that age?" I thank God that he gave me Michael. As I wondered about these things out loud, Michael was able to bring a moment of relief by replying, "No boy of ours would ever play soccer." Even at my lowest moments Michael can still make me laugh. I really thought things were going well yesterday. We made it through our doctors appointment (and the waiting room filled with pregnant women-thankfully our doctor got us in quickly so we didn't have to wait to long) with out me having a complete break down- I say complete break down because it was still a little rough. My doctor asked if I needed depression medication. It was at this point that I realized just truly how amazing God is. I would imagine that with out His strength, I would need it. But He has provided His grace to persevere through the suffering. I am able to get through the low times because He provides long enough moments of relief from the pain. Michael's aunt experienced a loss similar to ours. She compared the pain to experiencing contractions. The pain feels like it's never going to end. You think you can't bare it anymore, and then there's a break. A moment to catch your breath and recover. I know God is right by my side even during the pain, but I am so grateful for the breaks in between. I know I got a little side tracked here, so I'll go back to what happened yesterday. After the doctors appointment, we stopped at the funeral home and picked out Nolan's grave marker. I know this sounds strange, but that was probably the easier part of the day. I got to do something for Nolan. Michael and I got to do something for him only his parents could do. After we left the funeral home, it was time to go home for the night. We had three laundry baskets full of clean clothes that have needed to be put away for over a week now. Doing this later in the evening when I'm more emotional was probably not a good idea, but we decided to start putting our clothes away. Since these were clothes that were dirty before Nolan was born, they mainly consisted of maternity clothes. As soon as I put my first maternity shirt to the side to be put away in the closet until I need it in the future, I immediately experienced a huge drop. The rest of the laundry was put up through sobbing tears with frequent breaks where Michael just had to hold me. For the first time, I just went into Nolan's nursery and sat. I looked around the room at all the things that were meant for him that he would never wear, never sleep on, never have his diaper changed on. Michael ended up having to play with my hair on the couch last night until I fell asleep. Waking up this morning was rough as well. I seemed to still be in the funk that I was in last night. A flood of questions came circling through my mind. Questions I know can't be answered, and I'm not sure I would really want to know the answer. The one I hate the most is, "what if we had __, would he still be with us?" There's so many things that I fill that blank with. I just have to take comfort in the fact that God has a plan and no matter what we would have done, we would still have the same end. After Michael woke up, he prayed with me this morning and I came out of the fog I was in. Right now I'm experiencing my moment of relief from the pain. I thank God for these moments when I can remember what a blessing Nolan was to us and enjoy the memories I have of him.
Sunday's sermon was on being thankful for all the blessings we have. With Thanksgiving coming up, I think it's only appropriate that I write about the many blessings God has given Michael and I.
1. Salvation. Without God's wonderful gift of his son Jesus dying on the cross, I'm not sure this life would be worth living. It is through His promise to us that I find a reason to live and give my best everyday.
2. I have a husband who loves to serve and glorify God. Michael has been such a source of support and strength. He is even so humble to remind me that it is not him, but God that is really our strength during this time, but I feel truly blessed that God would give me such an amazing husband.
3. A beautiful son. What a joy it was to get to spend eight months with him in my belly and then two days getting to hold him and kiss him. He was a true miracle.
4. Parents who love us and love each other. I consider it a true blessing to have to sets of parents who still love each other and care for each other as much as they do. Michael and I have two wonderful examples of what a faithful and loving marriage looks like.
5. Brothers and sisters that love us and we enjoy being with. I love that we have siblings we enjoy being with and are willing to offer their support to us in tough times.
6. Extended family that loves us and supports us. How comforting it has been to have all our aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents let us know they were praying for us and send us uplifting messages.
7. An amazing church family. I couldn't imagine not having the support of a church family during a time like this. Our pastor stood by our side from Nolan's birth from the time we laid our son to rest in the ground.
8. Supportive friends. We have been touched by how many people have prayed for us, brought us food, and called to see how we are doing.
9. Jobs that we enjoy and have allowed us this time together to grieve for Nolan. I consider it a blessing that we were both able to have this time and not have to worry about the effect this would have on our jobs.
I think I could go on forever. God has been so good to us.
To end, I'm going to write another favorite memory of Nolan. The memory that is probably most vivid in my memory is when I was holding him and he would open his eyes and look up in my direction. He had such a sleepy look in his eyes, but he always had the sweetest look on his face. He would blink a couple of times, sometimes open just one eye so that it looked like he was winking, and then open both eyes again and stair straight up at me. Whether or not he was really looking directly at me, I'll never know. But to be able to remember what it was like to look at his beautiful eyes is something something I hope never fades from my memory.