Faith

Time to update!
This morning I was preparing for my bible study at work this afternoon. We're studying a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart". I've really enjoyed it so far and feel like I have learned so much. I've always seen myself as a worry ward and never really realized that that shows a big lack of my putting my complete trust in God. This bible study has put it in real simple terms- worry/anxiety is saying that God can't (fill in the blank with whatever you're concern is). It's saying that God is not big enough to handle our problems. OUCH! It's hard to to admitt that that is what I was saying by worrying, but it's true. So, this morning I was reading a chapter on faith. I have to admitt, I wasn't really feeling extremely excited about this chapter. The last chapter was fantastic and I learned a lot. This chapter just didn't seem to really say anything I hadn't heard before. Then it started to talk about Noah. I think everyone knows about Noah. But how incredible is his faith when you really stop to think about. The book suggests that it's possible that where he lived, they may have never seen any rain. Yet there he was, building a boat for a flood. I think the concept of doing something by faith and not seeing any evidence of it for over a hundred years is a hard one to grasp. But then the book reminded me of something else I hadn't thought of. Not only was he ridiculed, but he didn't have encouragement from his fellow man. He had his trust and faith in God and that alone! The book says that living by faith for Noah meant "suffering the loneliness of being the only righteous man in town for over a century". How many times have I thought " I can do this as long as someone else helps, encourages, or does it with me".

But the part that really made me think was this, "If I can see what God is doing- how He is working everything together for good - then I don't need faith...We say we want more faith, but really what we want is sight. Sight says ' I see that it's good for me, so God must have sent it,' but faith says, 'God sent it, so it must be good for me". I would be lying if I said there weren't times when I've said- if I can just know how Nolan's death is going to work for my good, how his death is going to be used as an instrument for God's glory. But I need to trust in God that it will because it says so in His word. Not that I see evidence of it now (although I do have to admitt that I've been truly blessed becuase I have already seen God glorified through it!). There have been many people that have been an encouragement to me along the way that have lost their own child. So many times I have thought, when will the time come that I get to do that for someone else? I just have to trust that it will or mabye that even God has a different plan in mind. But he has a plan!

I think it's strange, but I have become much less of a worry ward since loosing Nolan. I attribute it to the fact that I have seen God's faithfulness through the whole thing. He's brought me through it, and I know He will continue to bring me through it. Never once did I have thoughts that things were hopeless or I had no reason to live. That is not a lie. I wouldn't say that depression didn't try to creep in. It did, it was hard, but God gave me the strength to make it through that as well. I learned to hit my knees and cling to God, to trust God that the pain would lessen and He was still with me through it all. It never lasted very long, I'm very grateful for that. The thing about faith is you have to trust God for each step with out knowing exactly what the step after that one will be. As the book says, if we knew how it was all going to turn out, what would be the point of faith? We just trust and have faith that God says He will provide for us, He loves us, and He will never leave us.

I figured I would close with a memory of Nolan today. Sunday we celebrated mother's day and yesterday was Nolan's 6 month birthday! Michael surprised me with flowers at work on Friday! What a wonderful husband!!! This memory of Nolan is of a time before he was born. It was a check up around week 30 something. The nurse was checking his heart rate, and pressing the device on my belly. Well, I guess he didn't like that because he kicked it really hard! The nurse kind of jumped back a little becuase she was able to feel it too! Such a strong boy!
(I'm going to try to start updating more often...life should start to slow down now that school is almost over-and TAKS is over!!!)