Another Month

Can't believe I let another month slip by without updating. What a month it has been! Michael and I really enjoyed spending some time with both our families. And I enjoyed my last month to relax! I'm back at work now and somewhat excited/overwhelmed about this year. I'm taking on a brand new math position, so there is no system set up yet. I'm excited about the challenge to help create a new program, but also a little nervous. Right now I keep staring at my room and hoping it will magically organize its self and look fabulous by Friday. Michael is being a wonderful husband and volunteering his entire Friday to come help me set up my room!
We are having to do another round of chlomid. I guess I thought that since I had gotten pregnant with Nolan without any medication that I was going to be pregnant the first month I was on chlomid. Now we're on month 3 of chlomid. I just don't understand. My doctor said I had good ovulation last month so I really got my hopes up. But, I do have to remember that it is great news that I did ovulate...a step in the right direction. So we are continuing to try, and we are putting our trust in God's timing- even if we don't understand it. A difficult thing that I've been learning is to praise God even when I'm having a hard time. As corny as this may be, there's a song that I absolutely love that talks about this...
"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"
Casting Crowns

Yesterday

Yesterday turned out to be a fairly eventful day for Michael and I. It started out completely normal. We went to church and enjoyed a lunch put on by the youth. Then we went home, relaxed, and decided to buy a new vacuum cleaner. For some reason, Michael and I seem to have trouble with vacuum cleaners. They stop working correctly within a years time. So, we decided to get the Mac Daddy of vacuum cleaners...we got an Oreck!!! After we made our exciting purchase, we were headed to go play cards, but I wanted to stop and buy batteries for my new flash. As we started to turn into the CVS off of the beltway, I suddenly heard a screech and then we got hit. This is my first official accident that I have ever been in. We quickly pulled over to the side in the parking lot and hopped out. It felt like we had been hit pretty hard, but our car had a surprisingly small amount of damage (but since the tail pipe was bent, it had to be towed). The lady that hit us had a significant amount of damage to her front end, but thankfully no one was hurt. Everything went a lot smoother than I thought it would. The police officer showed up, asked what happened, checked everyone's information, and then sent us on our way. Everyone was extremely nice and no one was upset with anyone. The whole process wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Now we'll see if dealing with the insurance companies is as easy!

Two weeks ago, I practiced my picture taking on my dear friend Katy and her family. Her two kiddos are absolutely precious! I feel the need to mention that it was incredibly hot when we took these pictures. I think I was dripping with sweat about 5 minutes into the photo session. I have no idea how they managed to stay looking so beautiful in the heat, but they did. Thank you Katy! I enjoyed it so much!!

This is probably my favorite picture!

So sweet!

I love Jonah's smile in this picture!

Again, I love Jonah's smile in this picture. Next time I'll make sure that the sun is not in everyone's faces- sorry Dennis!

Today

Whether or not it is a good idea for me to be writing this post right now, I'm not sure. It's late (at least what Michael and I consider late), and it's been a long day. So, I'm extra tried and emotional. This morning I woke up and not much to my surprise, I discovered that no, I am not pregnant. I've realized that I can tell the day before by several indicators. One major one (a development since having Nolan) is a major headache. Last night I definitely had a headache but tried to convince myself that it wasn't one. Since I was already running behind when I woke up this morning, I didn't have much time to talk about it with Michael or be comforted by Michael before I had to leave for a conference. On top of that my cell phone was dying, so any time that I had a break between seminars, I couldn't call and talk to Michael. Then I made the mistake of skipping lunch so that I could attend more seminars. If you know me at all, when I don't eat regularly I get absurdly emotional. So there I was today, sitting in the seminars, ready to burst into tears. Yesterday I attend a seminar by Kim Sutton(if you're reading this and you teach math...she's terrific-attend a conference by her if you get a chance!). Today I attended another one by her. Well, my emotional status had changed between those two times. I learned so much in the first seminar, and I can barely remember a thing I heard (more like should of heard but didn't) today. Perhaps this is because I chose to invite my 6 month something pregnant friend to come sit by me and she kept feeling her stomach during the seminar. Normally this wouldn't bother me as much as it did today. Each time she felt her belly, I thought- she must be feeling her little boy kick. That thought led to remembering how much I enjoyed feeling Nolan kick, which led to missing Nolan and wondering how long I'd have to wait to feel that again- if ever. After that seminar, I should have just left. But I carpooled with a friend, so that wasn't an option. The next two seminars were great, but again I was lost in my head somewhere and probably would have benefited a lot more had I been concentrating on the presentation. The last seminar was horrible and I wouldn't have learned anything even if I had given the presenter my full attention, and it was finished 30 minutes ahead of time. So I decided to go explore the exhibits while I waited for my friend to meet me when she was finished. Keep in mind I'm very emotional at this point. I walked up to a booth that had some really neat materials to buy. The first lady that was there was really nice and friendly. Than I went to the lady next to her. I'm not really sure why, but this lady seemed to have it out for me. She had a free packet with some materials that she was handing out, which we all know is the only reason anyone was over there. I got to her table as she was finishing her demonstration and handing out the free packets. She had one more in her hand so I said that I would like one (very politely at that). Maybe me saying that is what made her mad, I don't know. But she quickly snapped at me and said, you have to watch a demonstration before I give you one. I didn't think to much of this and simply said okay. She started the demonstration and said that everyone needed to try it. I was not standing all that close, but assisted another person with their turn verbally. I guess this was not good enough because the lady called out my name (we had name tags) and said I had to take a turn. (I should perhaps point out that out of a group of people, I was the only one she singled out and called out by name to take a turn). As soon as I finished my turn she ended the demo and handed out the packets. She thanked everyone for coming as she handed them the packet except for me. But the thing that really got me was that some one walked up after she finished the demo and she gave them a free packet too! I thought to myself, not only did you refuse to give me a packet before I watched an entire demo (b/c I caught the tail end of the first one), but you insisted that I participate and singled me out. Had I not already been in such an emotional state already, this most likely would not have phased me, but man I was steaming afterwards. I had a few more minutes to kill so I went and somewhat soothed my anger by buying 2 math teacher shirts. They're really cute. One says "I love problem solving! Math Teacher" and the other says "Math" on the front and " Learn it, know it, show it" on the back. I'm very excited because we get to wear teacher t-shirts every Friday to school. To be honest, I like them so much I might even wear them places other than school! (much to Michael's and my brother's disapproval). After I bought my shirts it was time to go. Thankfully. Michael got home shortly after I did, and I told him all about the lady. Well, this once again flared my anger ( I should have known better than to talk about it again) and I spent maybe the next 15 minutes coming up with things I should have said to that lady to "put her in her place". Michael noticed I was really quiet and asked if I was still thinking about the lady. He knows me so well. I do have to say, I came up with some pretty clever things to say, Michael even agreed they were pretty good! But I'm over it now, really, I promise. I still hadn't eaten dinner at that point, so we quickly made something to eat, and my ability to be rational returned to me once again. I really thought the emotional ups and downs of my day were over, but for some reason I got the strong urge to go into Nolan's nursery a few hours after dinner. Lately when I've gone in the nursery, it hasn't been an emotional thing. But tonight I sobbed (because crying can't adequately describe it) as I went through all his things. I can't even remember the last time I did that. I can't say that I enjoyed it, because it hurt. I once heard someone say that the pain comes less frequently as time passes, but it hurts just as badly when it does come as it did in the beginning. I really thought that the really painful moments were starting to come to an end, but tonight I felt a depth of pain I had not felt in a while. That deep deep longing to hold Nolan in my arms returned with great strength. I hope I'm not confusing anyone by saying that, I always wish to hold him again, but I could actually feel an emptiness in my arms again I hadn't felt for a very long time. I also had the sudden realization tonight that almost all the clothes I had bought him would most likely be outgrown by now. That seems like such an insignificant detail, but it just made me think about how big he'd be by now. As I was looking at all of his stuff laying around, I also realized it's probably time to clean up the nursery and put things away. I haven't even attempted it yet. So, I'm putting that on the list of things to get accomplished for next week. We'll see if it gets done. I'm hoping tomorrow goes a little bit smoother than today. Who knows, maybe I'll even give that lady and her demonstrations another try.

New toy

Last night while I was cooking dinner I heard a loud bang on the window and looked out to find Michael sitting on a riding lawn mower in our back yard. Our neighbor across the street got a new one and decided to give us his old one for free (we have very nice neighbors). Well, I decided to go out there and hop on it myself. Let me just say- I love it! I drove it around the backyard just for fun (without the blade down, so no yard mowing was being done). If you've seen our yard, you know it's not really big enough to justify a riding lawn mower, but it was free! So I'm excited. I haven't mowed the yard in two years (two years ago I mowed it to surprise Michael and he re-mowed it because it didn't look good... needless to say, that was the last time I mowed the yard), but now I think I might actually try mowing the yard again!

Update!

I thought summer time would be a lot slower than during the school year and I would have a lot more time to write, but I can't believe how busy it's been! Fun busy, but busy. In June Michael and I went to California for his friend's wedding and made a vacation out of it. I loved the cool weather! It was such a nice break from the Houston heat. For the rest of July I plan to just take it easy. I choose not to think about the fact that August is just around the corner!

I recently went on a visit to my OBGYN and found out the reason we are having trouble getting pregnant, I'm not ovulating. My doctor suggested we try Chlomid (it forces you to ovulate-I think). I'm on my first month of trying i,t and I'm very excited! We had wondered if there was something wrong with me before I got pregnant with Nolan. But than we had a wonderful surprise 2 days before we were supposed to go to the OBGYN to discuss our concerns. So it seems that I do ovulate sometimes, but not regularly, and that makes it hard to get pregnant. I spent a lot of time praying about our last appointment and definitely feel peace about our decision to use Chlomid. I did however, have no idea that you could have multiples using chlomid until about a week ago. So that kind of threw a new twist to the whole thing, but I can't lie, it would be really exciting to have multiples! Although we would be overjoyed with one!

That's the big news in our life right now. The nice thing about this medicine is that you know when things should be occuring. We've got just less than two more weeks to wait and find out. I'm trying not to stress out about it, but it seems when you intentionally try not to stress, stress is exactly what happens!!! But I've actually not be nearly as stressed as thought I might be. I know God is in control of all of this and He loves Michael and I both. And even though it's hard to see it sometimes, everything He does is for our good. So, that is the thought that keeps me going.

Weddings!

The past two weeks have been crazy busy! Michael and I went out of town last weekend to visit two of my bestest friends from Baylor! It was definitely a lot of fun to get to see them and hang out. They've been such a great support to me and I love them dearly. We didn't get around to going horseback riding this time, but I'm going to make sure it's on the agenda for next time!

The weekend before that we went to Mississippi for Michael's sister's and cousin's wedding (not to each other!) I think some used the term "wedding marathon" to describe the crazyness of that weekend. Michael's cousin got married on saturday and his sister on sunday. Michael was in both, and I was in Melissa's. Needless to say, it was event after event. But so much FUN! I love to get dressed up, so I was really enjoying it. Michael, however, does not like getting dressed up. So I don't think he liked that part very much. We both enjoyed spending time with his family that we don't get to see too much. Almost everyone was in town ( I think the idea of doing both weddings back to back was a great idea...everyone only had to make one trip!). Both weddings were absolutely beautiful.

I have a favorite moment from the whole weekend. It's a little bit selfish and really has nothing to do with the weddings, but I'm going to share it anyways. We were at a cookout on Thursday night for his cousin's wedding and we saw one of Michael's other cousins, Julie, we haven't seen for a long time. She has a 4 year old daughter, Olivia, and was trying to help her remember who we were. When Nolan had passed away, Olivia drew a picture for us of him and made a big hug out of construction paper-it was absolutely precious. So Julie tried to remind her who we were by explaining that I was Nolan's mommy. I don't think anyone has ever introduced me that way before. I don't think I could even begin to explain how happy that made me feel.

Faith

Time to update!
This morning I was preparing for my bible study at work this afternoon. We're studying a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart". I've really enjoyed it so far and feel like I have learned so much. I've always seen myself as a worry ward and never really realized that that shows a big lack of my putting my complete trust in God. This bible study has put it in real simple terms- worry/anxiety is saying that God can't (fill in the blank with whatever you're concern is). It's saying that God is not big enough to handle our problems. OUCH! It's hard to to admitt that that is what I was saying by worrying, but it's true. So, this morning I was reading a chapter on faith. I have to admitt, I wasn't really feeling extremely excited about this chapter. The last chapter was fantastic and I learned a lot. This chapter just didn't seem to really say anything I hadn't heard before. Then it started to talk about Noah. I think everyone knows about Noah. But how incredible is his faith when you really stop to think about. The book suggests that it's possible that where he lived, they may have never seen any rain. Yet there he was, building a boat for a flood. I think the concept of doing something by faith and not seeing any evidence of it for over a hundred years is a hard one to grasp. But then the book reminded me of something else I hadn't thought of. Not only was he ridiculed, but he didn't have encouragement from his fellow man. He had his trust and faith in God and that alone! The book says that living by faith for Noah meant "suffering the loneliness of being the only righteous man in town for over a century". How many times have I thought " I can do this as long as someone else helps, encourages, or does it with me".

But the part that really made me think was this, "If I can see what God is doing- how He is working everything together for good - then I don't need faith...We say we want more faith, but really what we want is sight. Sight says ' I see that it's good for me, so God must have sent it,' but faith says, 'God sent it, so it must be good for me". I would be lying if I said there weren't times when I've said- if I can just know how Nolan's death is going to work for my good, how his death is going to be used as an instrument for God's glory. But I need to trust in God that it will because it says so in His word. Not that I see evidence of it now (although I do have to admitt that I've been truly blessed becuase I have already seen God glorified through it!). There have been many people that have been an encouragement to me along the way that have lost their own child. So many times I have thought, when will the time come that I get to do that for someone else? I just have to trust that it will or mabye that even God has a different plan in mind. But he has a plan!

I think it's strange, but I have become much less of a worry ward since loosing Nolan. I attribute it to the fact that I have seen God's faithfulness through the whole thing. He's brought me through it, and I know He will continue to bring me through it. Never once did I have thoughts that things were hopeless or I had no reason to live. That is not a lie. I wouldn't say that depression didn't try to creep in. It did, it was hard, but God gave me the strength to make it through that as well. I learned to hit my knees and cling to God, to trust God that the pain would lessen and He was still with me through it all. It never lasted very long, I'm very grateful for that. The thing about faith is you have to trust God for each step with out knowing exactly what the step after that one will be. As the book says, if we knew how it was all going to turn out, what would be the point of faith? We just trust and have faith that God says He will provide for us, He loves us, and He will never leave us.

I figured I would close with a memory of Nolan today. Sunday we celebrated mother's day and yesterday was Nolan's 6 month birthday! Michael surprised me with flowers at work on Friday! What a wonderful husband!!! This memory of Nolan is of a time before he was born. It was a check up around week 30 something. The nurse was checking his heart rate, and pressing the device on my belly. Well, I guess he didn't like that because he kicked it really hard! The nurse kind of jumped back a little becuase she was able to feel it too! Such a strong boy!
(I'm going to try to start updating more often...life should start to slow down now that school is almost over-and TAKS is over!!!)