Christmas 2008

Christmas is over! While we did enjoy Christmas, I have to admit that I'm glad it's over. For some reason both Michael and I found it difficult to listen to Christmas music, and we generally listen to KSBJ while driving. All they played was Christmas music after Thanksgiving, so I was really excited when I turned on my radio the day after Christmas and heard normal music on again.

One question I haven't figured out how to answer- how was your Christmas? I wonder if people want the real answer, or a quick "it was good." To be truthful, there were a lot of great moments and I did really enjoy myself. But I would definitely be lying if I said that it was all good. Michael has gotten really good at telling when I need a moment alone with him. I'm not comfortable crying in front of others. I hope one day I will be, maybe it will make things easier in that I won't try to hold in certain feelings until there's no one else in the room, and it will allow others to help. I know I've said this before, but it was the strangest things that trigger painful moments. I've reached the point where I'll be thinking that I'm doing really well, then it seems that out of nowhere I'm hurting again. Christmas day went pretty well until I started looking at pictures of Nolan. I look at the pictures all the time, so I'm not sure why they triggered such an emotional response that time, but they did. Going to sleep was rough that night. One night we were playing monopoly and it just hit me in the middle of the game that Nolan was not there. It was weird, because it was randomly in the middle of the game. As others played, I quietly imagined what I would be doing at that moment with Nolan if he was still alive. There were some other sad moments, but I won't go into all of them.

Even though there were some sad moments, there were also some really great moments. With Michael's side of the family we had craft night, which is now a family tradition. This years craft required some creativity and lots of patience! We made Christmas mosaics which meant gluing lots of little pieces. My sister in law had suggested to everyone to glue down the pieces as we put our design down on the tile. I didn't take her advice and later regretted it when I had to try to pick up the tiny pieces to glue each one without messing up the other little pieces. But I can say I honestly enjoyed it! With my side of the family we played catch phrase, also a family/friends tradition. Every Christmas Eve we go to a family friends house and there are lots of people there. So, it's a rather large group of people yelling and shouting trying to figure out the word(s). Half the fun is just trying to hear the persons whose turn it is. We generally play men vs. women, but I'm not sure who won this year.

So many times I have thought about sitting down to write a post on my blog and then decided not to. After I quickly run through in my head what I want to write, I realize that I sound like a lot like a child throwing themselves down on the floor screaming "I want this and I want this now!", not realizing that there's a reason behind all this. I feel that there's a fine line between being sad/grieving and out right self pitying. I'm not sure where the line is right now.

This past weekend was tough. We celebrated Christmas with Michael's side of the family. Throughout the weekend I kept thinking-right now Nolan would be meeting his aunt and uncle for the first time, he'd be getting his first Christmas gift, I'd probably be really tired right now because I would have been awake in the middle of the night with Nolan. Whether or not thinking these things is healthy grieving or not, I don't know. They just bring me to a darker place then simply remembering my time with him.

Often times I feel jealous when I see young moms with their newborn babies out and about. Today I finished up some Christmas shopping and saw a mom out with her beautiful baby. My first thought was - did you really have to come into this store? - She has what I want...her baby to love, take care of, and watch grow up. I've really been praying about this jealousy thing. I don't want it to take control of me. It leads to way to much bitterness, and that is somewhere I don't want to go. But sometimes it just catches me by surprise.

I had a moment of clarity about a week ago while I was in the bathroom getting ready. I was thinking about what I "should" be doing at that moment with Nolan and how nothing seemed to have gone according to MY plan. I guess that's the thing, it's not really about my plan (as much as I would like it to be sometimes). How silly is it that I'm trying to tell God how I would like things to be and then stomping my foot when he doesn't listen to me. I feel that my best moments of peace and contentness (is that a word?) are when I surrender to God's will and accept this path that I'm on. Not to say that there's no sadness or pain, but not in the same way. "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:4 I was reading a hand out from the hospital on grieving the loss of an infant. There was a long list of things NOT to say to grieving parents. Believe it or not, this verse was on there. Why would you not say this? While at times it's hard to understand how loosing Nolan could possibly not harm me, I still cling to this verse as my promise from God that there is a reason and a plan, and it gives me hope.

Okay, I have so much more to say, but I feel like I'm starting to ramble and it's time to go to bed (yes, we go to bed super early 8:45!-we act way older than our age). Goodnight!

Christmas

Tonight Michael and I went to a candle light service at the funeral home. It turned out to be really nice. There was a choir that sang and sounded nice(although the choir and the drummer couldn't seem to find the same beat-it provided Michael and I with a little comic relief) and a short sermon. The funeral home had a Christmas ornament for us with Nolan's name on it. It's kind of strange sitting in a room full of strangers and knowing that everyone is dealing with the same thing.

I'm nervous about the holidays. We had so many plans for what we would be doing with Nolan right now. Please pray for Michael and I during this time (I know so many of ya'll already are- so thank you for that!).

As Christmas gets closer, I've really stopped to think about God's sacrifice for us. I can't believe that he willingly sent his only Son to suffer and die on my account. I would have never willingly given Nolan up, let alone watch him suffer and be called horrible things by other people. I didn't have to watch my son suffer, and people had nothing but nice things to say about Nolan. If anyone had said anything bad about Nolan or hurt him, I know I would not have been able to give them mercy, forgiveness, or love like God gave us. I have to say, I feel like my understanding and appreciation for God's sacrifice of His Son for me has grown. To know that I was worth all that suffering, how amazing!

Job

A few days ago I started to read a book called "Holding on to Hope". It's a bible study on Job and his journey through suffering. The author herself lost two babies of her own. A couple things I've read that have really comforted me or given me hope (I can see why she titled the book what she did):

Job's ability to praise the Lord, even though he just lost all that he had, and that at the end of Job it says he lived a long, good life. Even after all his suffering, his life was still described as good.

Sometimes I really want to skip to the part where my life is good again (okay- all the time), but I know it takes going through this time of pain to get there. Part of me wants to ask, how will it ever be good again? Won't I always feel that a part of me is missing? But God has been good, and He has surrounded me with others that have gone through their own loss. The comfort they offer me is this, yes- you will always feel that missing part, but it won't hurt the same.

A memory of Nolan- When he was still in my belly, Nolan used to get the hiccups all the time. The first time I felt them I wasn't sure what they were, but after feeling the little bump a few times in a row, I had it figured out. I used to love just putting my hand on my stomach and feeling him hiccup for a little while.

Snow!!!

Yesterday would have been Nolan's 1 month old birthday. What an amazing gift God gave us, it snowed the night before and the ground was still covered on his birthday! I honestly can not ever remember there being this much snow in Houston. I mean, there have been fluries, but it's never stuck like this before. Michael measured how much snow was on top of my car, and it was 3 1/2 inches!!! So Michael and I sang happy birthday to Nolan in the morning, and then I took some pictures to remember this special day.

This is where Nolan is buried. We don't have his grave marker yet, but we just approved the design yesterday, and it's beautiful.

This is the tree that a friend got us to plant in honor of Nolan. It was so pretty surrounded by the snow.

It's hard to believe our little boy would already be one month old. We miss him so much. Thank you for all your prayers and remembering our son.

Also- Thanks for all the advice on the pictures!

The Shower

I'm a little embarrassed to admitt this, but I've realized that I absolutely hate showering! It's not to bad when Michael is able to be in the bathroom and talk to me, but when I'm by myself, I can't stand having to take one. On Monday I got up really early and took one before Michael went to work, but this morning I slept in a little longer. It's not the actual showering that I don't like but that I feel completely and totally alone. Painful memories seem to fill my mind, and there are no distractions to take my mind off them. When I was pregnant, I loved hopping in the shower. It was usually the first thing I did in the morning, so every time I got in I'd say good morning to Nolan. I'd tell him it was time for us to get clean and talk to him throughout the entire shower. Now it's just me, and I miss him so much. I enjoy remembering those moments with him, but it hurts. Unfortunately I can't avoid showering for the rest of my life (I wouldn't want to make others suffer that way), and it's not practical to expect Michael to always be able to sit in the bathroom with me while I shower every time. It's just strange how simple things like taking a shower can become so difficult and hold so many memories.

Thank You

Last night Michael and I got a cd and dvd of pictures that a volunteer took of Nolan after he passed away. This volunteer is a professional photographer and is a member of the group As I lay me down to sleep. I am so thankful for this man and this group. He came to the hospital in the middle of the night and took beautiful pictures of our son (at no cost to us), put them to music on a dvd, and then mailed them to us. Throughout this whole time, there have been so many wonderful people that have helped Michael and I. Some we have gotten to meet and thank, some I'm not sure we'll ever get the chance to meet, but we are forever grateful. Just to name a few: the volunteer that gave of her time to take photos of Nolan, Michael, and myself and then put some in a cute little scrapbook (I believe she does this every Weds. for parents with children in the NICU), a group of volunteers from a church that knit and sew clothes and blankets for babies that have passed away- without the outfit they made, Michael and I would not have had an outfit to dress Nolan in (we were completely caught of guard at a routine dr. appt. so we did not have anything packed for Nolan or ourselves), and the many friends and family that have cooked us dinner or just come and visit. I am so amazed at how willing people are to give of themselves to help Michael and I, even people that don't know us. I just want to thank everyone that has helped us and express my gratitude.

Instead of ending with a memory, I'd like to share some pictures of Nolan that we got last night. Some of them are to personal to share, but they are absolutely beautiful, so I'd like to post some of them. (Just tried to put in pictures and for some reason they would only go to the top of the post- so the pictures at the top are the pictures I'm talking about. If anyone is better with computers then I am, please give me advice. I can't figure out how to get the pics to go where I want them. I'm horrible with technology!)

Yesterday Michael took his off Friday a week early to stay home with me. It was really nice, I think we both needed it. I spent most of Weds. by myself putting together a photo album for Nolan online. I enjoyed doing it even though some pictures made me cry. He was such a beautiful little boy. I got my haircut on Thursday. One of the things I'm struggling with is when I meet strangers, and they ask me questions about the holidays and how things are going. The hairstylist asked me how Thanksgiving was and if I was looking foward to Christmas. I really wanted to say I just had a beautiful baby boy named Nolan 3 and 1/2 weeks ago. He was absolutely perfect! He went to be with the Lord two days later. So Thanksgiving was a little tough, and He was supposed to spend his first Christmas with us this year. So no, I'm not really looking foward to Christmas. But instead I just told her Thanksgiving was good and yes, I'm excited about Christmas. I hate that I can't tell people about Nolan's birth and celebrate with them without having to explain the rest. So that was Thursday afternoon, Thursday night I was a wreck. I really thought that by now I'd be having a lot less of these moments, but no. I think Michael's learned that there's not really much that can be said that will comfort me during these times. He just reminds me that it will pass and holds me tight. I'm so thankful I have such a wise husband. It helped to go to sleep that night knowing that he would stay with me all day on Friday.
Friday morning and afternoon were good. It was nice to just spend time snuggling and playing around with Michael. Again, it always surprises me what will catch me off guard and throw me into a funk. Friday night we watched the movie "Hancock" (not the best movie-I wouldn't recommend it). There's a scene where doctors are rushing around trying to save someone. It brought back to many memories of watching the doctors rush around and try to save Nolan. I've also discovered parts of "House" bring back the same kind of memories. Everything having to do with hospitals just seems all to real now and those moments are probably the most painful memories I have. Those were the most fearful, where I can still remember dreading what might be said to us next, watching Nolan's little body be worked on and thinking that I needed to memorize every little part of him because it might be the last time I see him alive. Unfortunately all my fears came true. Anyways, those are the memories that come up when I see emergency scenes on hospital shows. So needless to say, it was hard to go to sleep last night. I just kept replaying those moments in my head.
So hopefully today I will manage to stay away from painful reminders of the last few hours of Nolan's life and be able to just remember the joyful times I held him. I hope to be able to write a blog one day that doesn't mention any pain, hurt, or crying, but that may be awhile. One thing that Michael always reminds me of that provides me great comfort is that we don't need to be sad for Nolan. He will never have to suffer or know pain. He's experiencing eternal peace. We were assured that he didn't experience any pain when his heart started to fail because he was sadated (not sure how to spell it). I'm glad that's something I didn't have to experience, seeing my son suffer.
To end, my memory of Nolan- The last time I held him he I put my finger in his little hand. He had such a strong little grip! He was so tough for being only two days old.

Work?

I guess right now my biggest dilemma is when to go back to work. My bosses have been great about not pressuring me, they even set up a list of people to come and visit with me the first week after Nolan's funeral. I had thought about going back to work last Monday because Michael was going back, and I was afraid to be alone. Then I realized that simply not having Michael with me would be enough to handle with out being at work. Having time to myself has proved to be a good thing. This week I went into Nolan's nursery and spent time with God and dealing with the pain. I know it sounds strange to have my quiet time in the nursery, but it feels necessary to help confront some of the painful feelings and my hope is that the nursery will be a comforting place to be and not a painful room to go into. I know that taking this week off of work was necessary, but I don't know what to do about next week. Nolan was supposed to be born on Dec. 9, which would be next Tuesday. I'm not sure I should be at work that day, it may be a hard day. I feel as though I've been gone from work a really long time and people are probably starting to think I should be back. I just don't want to go back and than have to leave because I break down in the middle of the day, and I'm also worried about questions or comments from all my students. I've been praying about it, but would appreciate all the prayer I can get about this descision.

Nolan's story

I realized that not everyone has heard the complete story of what happened to Nolan and why he passed away. Today's blog will explain.
The whole thing happened really fast. Nov. 10th (at 36 weeks) we thought everything was fine. I had high blood pressure, so my doctor put me in the hospital for observation. On Nov. 11 they noticed Nolan wasn't moving as much on the monitor, so they decided to do an ultrasound. I can still remember the look on the doctor's face as she told us they found a big mass on Nolan's brain. I think complete and total shock is the only thing that can describe my initial reaction. Then I was just completely devestated. I didn't completely understand everything. I only had one question- will he live? But I was to afraid to ask and thought I already knew the answer to that question- which I thought was no. I remember my legs shook uncontrollably for the next hour that we were still at the original hospital I was supposed to deliver at. The hospital we were at wasn't equipped to take care of Nolan after he was born, so I was transferred to another hospital so I would be able to see Nolan after the c-section. Before the c-section, we were told he most likely had a stroke that caused a bleed of some sort that would cause him to be disabled, but he would most likely survive. I was so relieved to know he would make it.
I can still hear Nolan crying at the top of his lungs as he came out. He was absolutely beautiful! Since they were concerned about him, he was quickly whisked away. Every one was really surprised when he got an apgar (not sure how to spell it) 8 and 9. I thought for sure he was going to be fine and the doctors over exagerated what was wrong. Michael had the biggest smile on his face. I don't think I've ever seen him happier or prouder. He kept running back and forth from the NICU to see Nolan and to my room to check on me.
The next morning we were hit with a big blow when the doctor came in and said they did some scans and discovered he had an AVM. She said it was likely he would go into heart failure with in 2 days to 1 week, but there was a risky procedure that could be done. We spent all weds. and thursday morning just holding Nolan and enjoying our time with him. He seemed so healthy and perfect. The doctors decided to wait until the next week for the surgery because he was doing so well. I was even told that I would get to breast feed him thursday afternoon since they weren't doing the surgery. As Michael and I were getting ready to head back to the NICU so I could breastfeed for the first time, we got a call from the nurse that he wasn't doing well. From that moment, Nolan's heart quickly starting failing. The doctors tried to stabalize him to take him to get the surgery since that was the only thing that would relieve his heart from having to work so hard (an avm makes the heart work extra hard). We were told several times that he would most likely die on the way to surgery, but they made it almost an hour into the surgery when his heart stopped. They started it again once, but were unable to start it the second time it stopped. Michael and I held his hand, prayed for him, and then watched him as the doctors stopped giving him CPR and he went to be with God on Nov. 13th.
I remember sitting in the waiting room during Nolan's surgery. I remember feeling like my heart stopped every time I saw a person in a green or white shirt pass by the window. On Sunday I told Michael that I remember thinking that I just wouldn't be able to handle it if Nolan didn't make it. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to move foward. Even though the pain and hurt are still great and my arms ache at the emptiness they feel, I have been amazed at the grace God has given us to make it through each day. In the waiting room, I couldn't have pictured what today would be like-that I would have such peace, moments that I laugh and greatly enjoy a good card game or shopping, and a stronger than ever relationship with my husband. I can't imagine what next week will look like, but God's been faithful this far, I know he will continue to be.
One memory of Nolan that always makes me laugh- The nurse put him on his belly to sleep sometimes. His legs were tucked under him, so his little bottom wiggled in the air. It was the most adorable thing to watch.