Yesterday Michael took his off Friday a week early to stay home with me. It was really nice, I think we both needed it. I spent most of Weds. by myself putting together a photo album for Nolan online. I enjoyed doing it even though some pictures made me cry. He was such a beautiful little boy. I got my haircut on Thursday. One of the things I'm struggling with is when I meet strangers, and they ask me questions about the holidays and how things are going. The hairstylist asked me how Thanksgiving was and if I was looking foward to Christmas. I really wanted to say I just had a beautiful baby boy named Nolan 3 and 1/2 weeks ago. He was absolutely perfect! He went to be with the Lord two days later. So Thanksgiving was a little tough, and He was supposed to spend his first Christmas with us this year. So no, I'm not really looking foward to Christmas. But instead I just told her Thanksgiving was good and yes, I'm excited about Christmas. I hate that I can't tell people about Nolan's birth and celebrate with them without having to explain the rest. So that was Thursday afternoon, Thursday night I was a wreck. I really thought that by now I'd be having a lot less of these moments, but no. I think Michael's learned that there's not really much that can be said that will comfort me during these times. He just reminds me that it will pass and holds me tight. I'm so thankful I have such a wise husband. It helped to go to sleep that night knowing that he would stay with me all day on Friday.
Friday morning and afternoon were good. It was nice to just spend time snuggling and playing around with Michael. Again, it always surprises me what will catch me off guard and throw me into a funk. Friday night we watched the movie "Hancock" (not the best movie-I wouldn't recommend it). There's a scene where doctors are rushing around trying to save someone. It brought back to many memories of watching the doctors rush around and try to save Nolan. I've also discovered parts of "House" bring back the same kind of memories. Everything having to do with hospitals just seems all to real now and those moments are probably the most painful memories I have. Those were the most fearful, where I can still remember dreading what might be said to us next, watching Nolan's little body be worked on and thinking that I needed to memorize every little part of him because it might be the last time I see him alive. Unfortunately all my fears came true. Anyways, those are the memories that come up when I see emergency scenes on hospital shows. So needless to say, it was hard to go to sleep last night. I just kept replaying those moments in my head.
So hopefully today I will manage to stay away from painful reminders of the last few hours of Nolan's life and be able to just remember the joyful times I held him. I hope to be able to write a blog one day that doesn't mention any pain, hurt, or crying, but that may be awhile. One thing that Michael always reminds me of that provides me great comfort is that we don't need to be sad for Nolan. He will never have to suffer or know pain. He's experiencing eternal peace. We were assured that he didn't experience any pain when his heart started to fail because he was sadated (not sure how to spell it). I'm glad that's something I didn't have to experience, seeing my son suffer.
To end, my memory of Nolan- The last time I held him he I put my finger in his little hand. He had such a strong little grip! He was so tough for being only two days old.