Great news! The strike is not on yet! Michael went in tonight and was told to go home due to a 24 hour extension. So for now at least he gets to be at home!!! Thanks for all your prayers! I'll continue to post as we found out more.

I enrolled in a photography class! It's online and only six weeks, but I'm really excited. It was weird to study for my quiz. I felt like I was back in college again! It has assignments each week. Fortunately I have a super hot husband that's willing to let me take pictures of him. And yes...I will be posting some throughout the class! I have to say I was really impressed with how long he stood outside in the cold while I messed with my camera settings and tried to get just the right picture. I love my husband!

On that note, Michael's work is possibly going to be striking next week. Since he is not a worker that would go on strike, he would actually have to work extra to replace the workers that aren't there. Plus, the first two weeks of the strike they would lock all workers in and not let them leave since they are unsure of the picket line. This is bad timing for us since next week would be the first week we can officially start trying for another little blessing. So please keep us in your prayers regarding this issue.

4 days ago my music minister at my church asked me to sing a song this coming Sunday. Right after Nolan passed away I heard a song on the radio and decided that I wanted to sing it, but truthfully, it's hard at times to really sing this song from my heart. The song says "let the earthquake, our hope is unchange". Yes, my hope is unchanged, but sometimes I do want the earth to just be still for a while. But ultimately I know that I need to just give it all to God. He is my hope, so who am I to tell Him when or when not to shake up my world. He is my source of strength, so I know that it is through Him I can endure. So, I've decided to sing the song this weekend. I wanted to share the lyrics with you all. They are beautiful. Natalie Grant's songs always seem to really minister to me. Hopefully you'll find comfort in it too.
"Our Hope Endures"

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures
the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear

But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope

Our hope endures,
the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Spontaneous!

Michael and I have recently gotten into taking spontaneous trips together. Michael's birthday was the 31st of December, and we decided just a few days before it that we were going to drive up to Colorado and go skiing. It was so much fun to just hop in the car and go. We drove through the night (it took almost 20 hours!) without stopping to Winter Park and enjoyed two days of skiing. We soon discovered we were not the most skilled skiers, but we had a blast! This weekend we went to visit one of my friends from college who lives out in the country. It's so peaceful there. On Saturday night we built a bonfire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows over it. The weather was perfect. It was just a little bit chilly, so I ended up falling asleep in front of the fire that felt nice and warm. I woke up abruptly when the coyotes started howling. It sounded like they had us surrounded, but Whitney assured me that they sound closer than they really were. Unfortunately I forgot my camera and missed many opportunities to take beautiful pictures this past weekend.

I'm really hoping to start seriously getting into photography. I'm really good at starting things, but horrible at seeing them all the way through. So, if you need something to pray about, please pray that I have the discipline to really start practicing photography. I've always enjoyed taking pictures, but I'm hoping to develop it into more than just a hobby. I'd like to be good enough that I can one day join Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and use that as an opportunity to offer comfort to those going through a situation similar to ours.

There are many times that I want to speak up and say something, but I'm to worried it won't come out right so I don't say anything at all. Then I usually regret that I didn't speak up. This morning was one of those times. During Sunday school there was a discussion on suffering and questions we have about why we suffer (at least that's what it was about when I walked in. Praise band practice ran a little late and then I talked afterwards. So needless to say I was super late getting to Sunday school today.). I figured since I didn't say anything this morning, I would go ahead and say it here. So many times I have heard the question "why? Why would God allow this to happen?" I think it's clear, for His glory. I'm so thankful to know what Job did not know. Job has so many questions for God and wants Him to answer. What I find so amazing is that God did answer him, but just not like Job would have thought. God reminded Job who He was and is. He didn't explain why, just that He is Almighty and Creator. After God was done, Job's questions went away. It was enough for him to know that God was God and He was in control. When I read that part in Job, I really felt that God was speaking directly to me. The only thing I need to know is that Nolan's life and death served to bring glory to God, and God is in control.

I think the other reason God allows us to suffer is to give us a yearning for heaven. The book I'm reading that talks about Job points out how Job yearned for heaven because his suffering was so great. Honestly, if this life never had suffering and pain- who would want to leave it? While I find joy in living my life and serving God, I also look forward to the day I get to meet Him in heaven. I think it's hard to even begin to imagine a place with no more pain and suffering. I really don't think we as humans can even start to fathom how amazing a place it's going to be.

Basically, I think it comes down to this- who are you living your life for? Yourself or God. No suffering is to great to bear when your life is centered around God. I think the toughest thing is giving up our own plans and dreams we have for ourselves and surrendering them to God and letting His will be done. When I was reading my book today, I read something that really made me stop and think. The author said that often times we pray for the miracle we want whether it be a miraculous healing or a dream of ours to come true, and then we tag on the end of our prayer that God's will be done. Instead we should pray that His will be done and if it's inside His will that those other things may be done. This is a tough thing to do and something I struggle with. I have my hopes and dreams and plans for my life. But as I was reminded this morning, it is about His will and not mine.

Work!

I've survived returning to work! The first day back was the hardest. The first couple of hours were the worst part. I made the mistake of checking old emails when the day began. When I saw one that said Davra's shower I should have just deleted it, but I decided to open it. I read through it as my students quietly worked on their morning warm-up. After I read it I realized that I hadn't put up the spelling words yet. So I got the spelling poster and started making the list in the back of the room. Fortunately my back was to the students because I just couldn't control my crying- it was definitely not a good idea to read that email. I just wanted to leave. I walked out of the room without saying anything to my students and got the teacher across the hall to watch them. I soon realized that there is little privacy in a school and couldn't find anywhere to go to be alone for a second. There's a 5th grade teacher that had a similar situation and has been wonderful about comforting me. I knew her students were at groups so I went to her room. I think it's truly a blessing to have someone at my school that has gone through something similar. Other people can say things to try and comfort, but to have someone that's been there and actually made it through- it's just different. She reminded me of the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil. 4:13. It's amazing how God places people in my life to say the exact thing I need to hear at the time. That one little verse reminded me who was in control and why I was there. When I got up in front of my students and started teaching, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. We started a new composition on Monday, and I was giving them examples of what I might write. I'm always amazed that they laugh at my corny jokes- I love it! Later in the day my students noticed Nolan's pictures on my desk. A swarm of questions ensued. Questions I would never have thought of like- "what do you think his favorite color was?". I enjoyed getting to talk about him with them.
I haven't had a melt down since the first day. My students have managed to keep me laughing throughout most of the day. I forgot how witty and funny some of them are- and sometimes they don't even realize it. There are still moments when I think- I'm not supposed to be here. I should be with Nolan. But then I remember that I'm exactly where God has lead me, and He has purpose for my life. Even though I don't understand it now, I know everything will be used for His glory. So thank you for all your prayers and thoughts, they are appreciate more than can be expressed in words.

Returning to work

So, I'm definitely going back to work tomorrow. I know it's time, but I don't think that makes it any easier. I had planned on staying home with Nolan, so when I left to go on bed rest, I thought that I was done and had mentally detached. I'm hoping that if I do have a melt down tomorrow that it's either before school or after when I'm with Michael. I got two picture frames and picked out pictures of Nolan that I'm going to put on my desk tomorrow and show my students. There's a part of me that is nervous about what the students may say, but I think it's actually children that respond best to loss. Adults tend to be cautious in what they say and most of the time try to avoid anything that might be awkward or uncomfortable. Kids just say their honest thoughts and feelings. Today in church two of my friends little girls (who are 4) were sitting by me at the beginning of church. One of the little girls asked the other one if she knew that I had had a baby that died. The second little girl said yes and they talked about getting to see him at the funeral. To be honest, I was touched that they remembered Nolan and they weren't afraid to talk about him. My students are 4th graders, but I'm sure they'll react more like the two little girls than adults. I did visit them for a short time before Christmas, but they were so excited to tell me about the 2 new students and what their Christmas plans were that there was no time for talking about anything else.
Well, I guess my blog was short today. Again I feel like I have so much more to say but need to get to bed (I'm not used to having to wake up early anymore!!). I know God will give me the strength to make it through tomorrow- I'm so grateful for that! Hopefully I'll be able to write a post tomorrow night saying how great the day was.