Today

Nolan would have been 4 months old today! It feels like such a long time ago that I got to hold him in my arms. I told Michael the other day that the hardest thing right now is that it's getting harder to remember what he felt like when I held him in my arms. I remember the emotions and the excitement very clearly. I can still remember him looking up at me and over to his daddy, and how he stopped crying and just gazed up at me when I sang to him. I can still see his little re-end wiggling in the air. But I used to actually be able to "feel" him in my arms. It's hard to adequately explain what I mean by that, how it's different than simply remembering, but it is.

His grave marker is in. It's beautiful. It's Noah's Ark with a bunch of little animals. It's nice to be able to put his flowers next to it. We're going to go there after work today. We've decided to go there for his birthday every month until what would have been his one year old birthday. This may sound crazy to some people, but I want to have a big party next year for him. I know it's not really for him but for me. A time to have everyone stop and remember him. I got this idea from a newsletter for Mom's Experiencing Neonatal Death. We'll still have everyone bring a gift appropriate for a 1 year old boy, but then after the party Michael and I will bring them down to Texas Children's and donate them. I just think it's such a great way to remember him and help others. So don't be shocked next Nov. when you get an invitation!

A few months back I joined a support group online (that's the problem with living in a small town...everything is sooooooo far away! So online made more sense). I get updates on posts everyday. It's amazing how many of the women in the group really put their faith, hope, joy, and trust in God. I guess that's why I find the group so encouraging. One of the women put a post up the other day that really just encouraged me. As Christians, we know this. But I feel like we forget to often. This is the scripture she posted- "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10. The whole point of the post was that we should never let the enemy steal our peace and joy that God gives us. Our problem may be big, but our God is bigger!!!