Lately I've been having hard time finding time to sit down and write. I have all these thoughts jumping around in my head that are ready to come out. I don't have time to write them all down today, so I figured I'd start with the most significant one for me right now.

I actually kept up with the ovulation kit this month and learned that yes, I am ovulating each month! So that is a relief since I am now so irregular (Jarrett-sorry if this is to much to learn about your sister!) I had started to worry I wasn't ovulating. I prayed for peace as we waited for two weeks that I would not be in a rush to take a pregnancy test. I'm thankful I didn't because we discovered last night that I'm not pregnant this month. I think that's an important lesson I learned from last month that it's better to wait until you're sure your period has passed b/c negative pregnancy tests are a disappointment every time. I'd rather just feel that way once instead.

To be honest though, the ovulation kit is to much stress. I've decided to give it up. When I'm doing the kit everyday that's all I can think about. Then after I know I've ovulated, getting to the end of the next 2 weeks is all I can think about. I've had many people say to me, just relax, let it happen when it happens and don't stress about it. As hard as that is, that's what I'm going to do. I REFUSE to get jealous, angry, and stressed about this. I'm not saying that I won't continue to be sad about it from time to time, but ultimately this is in God's hands and I have to trust what He's doing. I know I can't stay away from those 3 things on my own. Every day it's a battle and something I have to give up to God. I could definitely use pray in this area!

At the church Michael and I go to we are the only married couple (that I know of- I may not be remembering everyone) without kids at home or grown. Fortunately, everyone at our church is wonderful. We're not made to be outcasts and we're never excluded (at least that I know of! haha) because we don't have children to bring to functions. Michael and I have made several close friends (couple friends too!) and we love hanging out with them and their kiddos. I think it's actually been somewhat helpful.

One thing lately that I've been having a hard time with are comments people make about Michael and I not having any children. I know people aren't meaning to be mean by them, and I bet people probably feel bad after they've said it because they didn't even realizing what they were saying. I'm never mad at a person for saying these comments (such as- when you have children you'll understand, when you're a mother you'll ...). I guess the reason it bothers me so much is that I feel like Nolan is completely forgotten about. I know the meaning behind the comment is that we didn't get the chance to raise him so in that sense I don't understand that part of being a mother or having a child, but I've already had a child and been a mother! It just hurts a little everytime something like that is said. Those types of comments are starting to come around more often, maybe because more time has passed. I hate the idea of people walking on eggshells around us and having to watch everything they say, but it hurts to hear it. Nolan is still our child even though he's in heaven. I think that's something I'm just going to have to get used to it.

Alright, this post has gone on long enough. Hopefully I'll have more time to write tomorrow. Like I said, I have a lot of stuff tumbling around inside my head that is ready to come out... I just don't seem to have the time to write it all down! I haven't ended with a memory of Nolan in a long time and I think this is one I've never shared but for some reason have been thinking about a lot lately. Nolan right little arm and hand were rapped up with a soft cloth so that he wouldn't hurt himself with his IV. When he was squirming around a lot, he would bump the wrapped up hand on his face, and he would make the cutest little annoyed face. He never really cried about it, but he definitely did not like it. Strange memory, I know. But I remember it really vividly because I kept trying to move his little hand out of the way so he wouldn't do it again, but he insisted on keeping it right there!