Nolan's story

I realized that not everyone has heard the complete story of what happened to Nolan and why he passed away. Today's blog will explain.
The whole thing happened really fast. Nov. 10th (at 36 weeks) we thought everything was fine. I had high blood pressure, so my doctor put me in the hospital for observation. On Nov. 11 they noticed Nolan wasn't moving as much on the monitor, so they decided to do an ultrasound. I can still remember the look on the doctor's face as she told us they found a big mass on Nolan's brain. I think complete and total shock is the only thing that can describe my initial reaction. Then I was just completely devestated. I didn't completely understand everything. I only had one question- will he live? But I was to afraid to ask and thought I already knew the answer to that question- which I thought was no. I remember my legs shook uncontrollably for the next hour that we were still at the original hospital I was supposed to deliver at. The hospital we were at wasn't equipped to take care of Nolan after he was born, so I was transferred to another hospital so I would be able to see Nolan after the c-section. Before the c-section, we were told he most likely had a stroke that caused a bleed of some sort that would cause him to be disabled, but he would most likely survive. I was so relieved to know he would make it.
I can still hear Nolan crying at the top of his lungs as he came out. He was absolutely beautiful! Since they were concerned about him, he was quickly whisked away. Every one was really surprised when he got an apgar (not sure how to spell it) 8 and 9. I thought for sure he was going to be fine and the doctors over exagerated what was wrong. Michael had the biggest smile on his face. I don't think I've ever seen him happier or prouder. He kept running back and forth from the NICU to see Nolan and to my room to check on me.
The next morning we were hit with a big blow when the doctor came in and said they did some scans and discovered he had an AVM. She said it was likely he would go into heart failure with in 2 days to 1 week, but there was a risky procedure that could be done. We spent all weds. and thursday morning just holding Nolan and enjoying our time with him. He seemed so healthy and perfect. The doctors decided to wait until the next week for the surgery because he was doing so well. I was even told that I would get to breast feed him thursday afternoon since they weren't doing the surgery. As Michael and I were getting ready to head back to the NICU so I could breastfeed for the first time, we got a call from the nurse that he wasn't doing well. From that moment, Nolan's heart quickly starting failing. The doctors tried to stabalize him to take him to get the surgery since that was the only thing that would relieve his heart from having to work so hard (an avm makes the heart work extra hard). We were told several times that he would most likely die on the way to surgery, but they made it almost an hour into the surgery when his heart stopped. They started it again once, but were unable to start it the second time it stopped. Michael and I held his hand, prayed for him, and then watched him as the doctors stopped giving him CPR and he went to be with God on Nov. 13th.
I remember sitting in the waiting room during Nolan's surgery. I remember feeling like my heart stopped every time I saw a person in a green or white shirt pass by the window. On Sunday I told Michael that I remember thinking that I just wouldn't be able to handle it if Nolan didn't make it. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to move foward. Even though the pain and hurt are still great and my arms ache at the emptiness they feel, I have been amazed at the grace God has given us to make it through each day. In the waiting room, I couldn't have pictured what today would be like-that I would have such peace, moments that I laugh and greatly enjoy a good card game or shopping, and a stronger than ever relationship with my husband. I can't imagine what next week will look like, but God's been faithful this far, I know he will continue to be.
One memory of Nolan that always makes me laugh- The nurse put him on his belly to sleep sometimes. His legs were tucked under him, so his little bottom wiggled in the air. It was the most adorable thing to watch.