So many times I have thought about sitting down to write a post on my blog and then decided not to. After I quickly run through in my head what I want to write, I realize that I sound like a lot like a child throwing themselves down on the floor screaming "I want this and I want this now!", not realizing that there's a reason behind all this. I feel that there's a fine line between being sad/grieving and out right self pitying. I'm not sure where the line is right now.

This past weekend was tough. We celebrated Christmas with Michael's side of the family. Throughout the weekend I kept thinking-right now Nolan would be meeting his aunt and uncle for the first time, he'd be getting his first Christmas gift, I'd probably be really tired right now because I would have been awake in the middle of the night with Nolan. Whether or not thinking these things is healthy grieving or not, I don't know. They just bring me to a darker place then simply remembering my time with him.

Often times I feel jealous when I see young moms with their newborn babies out and about. Today I finished up some Christmas shopping and saw a mom out with her beautiful baby. My first thought was - did you really have to come into this store? - She has what I want...her baby to love, take care of, and watch grow up. I've really been praying about this jealousy thing. I don't want it to take control of me. It leads to way to much bitterness, and that is somewhere I don't want to go. But sometimes it just catches me by surprise.

I had a moment of clarity about a week ago while I was in the bathroom getting ready. I was thinking about what I "should" be doing at that moment with Nolan and how nothing seemed to have gone according to MY plan. I guess that's the thing, it's not really about my plan (as much as I would like it to be sometimes). How silly is it that I'm trying to tell God how I would like things to be and then stomping my foot when he doesn't listen to me. I feel that my best moments of peace and contentness (is that a word?) are when I surrender to God's will and accept this path that I'm on. Not to say that there's no sadness or pain, but not in the same way. "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:4 I was reading a hand out from the hospital on grieving the loss of an infant. There was a long list of things NOT to say to grieving parents. Believe it or not, this verse was on there. Why would you not say this? While at times it's hard to understand how loosing Nolan could possibly not harm me, I still cling to this verse as my promise from God that there is a reason and a plan, and it gives me hope.

Okay, I have so much more to say, but I feel like I'm starting to ramble and it's time to go to bed (yes, we go to bed super early 8:45!-we act way older than our age). Goodnight!